Tuesday, June 30, 2009
exciting news
I looked up TMS on google and found a clinic in Texas, Dallas, Lewisville, to be exact, called the Agape Mind Center. My thoughts are, that I am feeling so good (like I did when I was 25, or something, way before any illness struck) I cannot accept going back into depression and I have to find a way to have maintenance TMS treatments to stave off any depression that may come in the future. So I brought this info to the attn of the doctor/principle investigator of the study, and she said, "Do you want to go to Dallas for maintenance?' and I replied well if I have to - I was willing to go to Atlanta or South Carolina if I have to. So she says, I can look into adding to the grant/study to provide treatment f/up and when any signs of depression return, offer you maintenance treatments here at the Health Science Center. OMG, are you serious!? I am so excited! I have now lost a total of 10 pds - the last 9 mos homebound added 40 pds to me and I was already at 240!!! All my labs just went from normal levels in March to high bp, high glucose, high liver enzymes and high triglycerides. Yep, eating and sleeping for 9 mos will do that to you. So the 10 pd wt loss is great. I am ready to move - swim laps, walk (too hot out now in Texas- but I could go to a cooled mall) and workout. I want to be working out at least 20 mins a day before the TMS ends in July 10th. I am so happy it is like a miracle. THANKS for the well wishes Scott and the prompt to post on the blog!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Qualified for bonus 3 weeks TMS
Well, I have been so, SO well, I have been too busy living, and making up for past existing, that I have neglected the blog.
I aced my depression scales (no depression) and qualified for the 3 addtl weeks of TMS treatment. There is now no pain at sessions, just an aggravation/irritant at the stim. site and my back spasms to the hardness of the table.
Each day I get the TMS now, I feel SO energized, it is a exhilirating and exciting - I keep piling on what I do each day so I get VERY tired and fall into bed after 11 just so good and tired. I woke up at 6:30 a.m. and made myself lay and rest until 7:20 a.m. and am just delighted to find myself emerge into wakefullness. I haven't felt that way in 8-9 years, and been taking Concerta and Provigil before that to feel awake enough to get up out of bed. SIGH heavy happy sigh***
I have 2 weeks of TMS left - I am getting the results of my stress test today and my prescription for exercise on Friday. I started the medifast diet a week ago and will be well into my exercise regimen before the TMS ends. I actually wake feeling the urge to walk, swim, etc. I cannot wait to start moving my body.
Last night, I did a lot of TMS research and found a clinic in TEXAS! In Dallas at the Agape Mind Center, they do NueroStar TMS...thank GOD! I definitely want to do maintenance TMS if I start getting depressed again. This "normal" feels so good, I cannot imagine going back, even just a little bit. It is like having an emotional reunion with your dearest friend - that is how coming out of my treatment-resistant depression feels like. :o)
I aced my depression scales (no depression) and qualified for the 3 addtl weeks of TMS treatment. There is now no pain at sessions, just an aggravation/irritant at the stim. site and my back spasms to the hardness of the table.
Each day I get the TMS now, I feel SO energized, it is a exhilirating and exciting - I keep piling on what I do each day so I get VERY tired and fall into bed after 11 just so good and tired. I woke up at 6:30 a.m. and made myself lay and rest until 7:20 a.m. and am just delighted to find myself emerge into wakefullness. I haven't felt that way in 8-9 years, and been taking Concerta and Provigil before that to feel awake enough to get up out of bed. SIGH heavy happy sigh***
I have 2 weeks of TMS left - I am getting the results of my stress test today and my prescription for exercise on Friday. I started the medifast diet a week ago and will be well into my exercise regimen before the TMS ends. I actually wake feeling the urge to walk, swim, etc. I cannot wait to start moving my body.
Last night, I did a lot of TMS research and found a clinic in TEXAS! In Dallas at the Agape Mind Center, they do NueroStar TMS...thank GOD! I definitely want to do maintenance TMS if I start getting depressed again. This "normal" feels so good, I cannot imagine going back, even just a little bit. It is like having an emotional reunion with your dearest friend - that is how coming out of my treatment-resistant depression feels like. :o)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Next to last day of 3 weeks of TMS
Today was so easy, little to no pain, at all. I handled a LOT of stress the last couple of days, and felt very normal about it. Just a little tired but not overwhelmed (just whelmed!).
Tomorrow I will go to the Be Well Center and do all the exit tests, and if I qualify by showing a certain significant level of improvement, I will continue for 3 more weeks of treatment (without all the study protocol).
NO headaches, good sleep, even with lots of anxiety about my cardiac health (see other entry). I did have an anxiety dream like I used to have but I went to bed worried about my cardiac tests. Many thanks to my great friends who talk me down, call and text and email to check on me, and let me know they love me.
Tomorrow I will go to the Be Well Center and do all the exit tests, and if I qualify by showing a certain significant level of improvement, I will continue for 3 more weeks of treatment (without all the study protocol).
NO headaches, good sleep, even with lots of anxiety about my cardiac health (see other entry). I did have an anxiety dream like I used to have but I went to bed worried about my cardiac tests. Many thanks to my great friends who talk me down, call and text and email to check on me, and let me know they love me.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Garden one month later
I have 5 tomatoes on one plant despite the word here that it is too hot and too late in the growing season to get any fruit to "set". My roma-grape tomato plant has only just gotten flowers that hopefully will produce fruit. The zucchini plant has gone wild and doubled in size in the last week and a half. Many seedlings continue to emerge and I am still needing to space them out. It has been over 100 deg here for a week now and even the early morning/late evening is still too hot for me to be out and doing that.
The thought of organic home grown veggies is SO appealing to me!
The thought of organic home grown veggies is SO appealing to me!
1st week to 3rd week of TMS
Sorry I didn't post here for so long. After the first week, I was dealing with headaches, my Mom being sick, and 2 graduate online classes starting.
I dodged the headaches for 6 days but then on Sunday I had a killer all-day headache that brought me to tears. I had to call a massage therapist I used to use a year ago to fit me in since I was in so much pain. Nothing touched this headache, not ibuprofen, Ultram or Skelaxin which are the meds I am allowed in the TMS study. But after a tearful hour massage, I was ok by the end of day so I slept ok.
My Mom was getting really sick at this point, but when she needed to go to the ER on Monday, I had the dreaded headache again and had to take meds and lay down for a few hours before I could join my Mom in the hospital. Grad school had started at this point, and the stress was big and I had eye strain from reading online and the textbooks.
The doctor changed my meds to act as a prophylactic and ward off the pain. I started on 800 mg Ibuprofen 3 times a day and that is working like a charm.
To the researchers, the headaches are a good sign but I haven't asked why yet. It shows some kind of memory of the TMS and means it is working, I guess.
The treatment is uncomfortable- more for my back and right arm and neck than for the treatment site or the pain of the treatment itself. But WHO CARES? It is working!
My sleep cycle is normal for the first time in YEARS - can't even remember how long it has been since I rose on my own before 8 am and got sleepy and fell asleep without help before midnight.
2nd week revealed a pattern - The first of the 75 trains of treatment was mild- like a 5/10 on pain, then the 2nd and 3rd would be the strongest - 8/10, then they would play music on Pandora Radio and I would settle into the next 72 jolts at a steady 3-5 out of 10 in pain. As the pain goes up on my back and neck from being restrained, my pain goes down on the treatment site on the left side of my head.
The strength I am getting is 125% at 10Hz, so 10 jolts a second for 4 seconds followed by 26 seconds of rest (there is NO pain or anything during that rest time). At the end of this week, I will have completed 3 weeks of TMS treatment and that concludes the data for their study. Today I have an appointment with the psychiatrist of the study to assess my progress, and if he approves, they will offer me 3 more weeks of treatment for my sake (no payment is involved wtih this study so I think of it as my payback).
You have no idea, I could never tell you how wonderful it is to feel myself so normal right now. Albeit very emotional, angry, crying at the littlest thing, but so awake and feel able to do things and want to do social things. :-)
I dodged the headaches for 6 days but then on Sunday I had a killer all-day headache that brought me to tears. I had to call a massage therapist I used to use a year ago to fit me in since I was in so much pain. Nothing touched this headache, not ibuprofen, Ultram or Skelaxin which are the meds I am allowed in the TMS study. But after a tearful hour massage, I was ok by the end of day so I slept ok.
My Mom was getting really sick at this point, but when she needed to go to the ER on Monday, I had the dreaded headache again and had to take meds and lay down for a few hours before I could join my Mom in the hospital. Grad school had started at this point, and the stress was big and I had eye strain from reading online and the textbooks.
The doctor changed my meds to act as a prophylactic and ward off the pain. I started on 800 mg Ibuprofen 3 times a day and that is working like a charm.
To the researchers, the headaches are a good sign but I haven't asked why yet. It shows some kind of memory of the TMS and means it is working, I guess.
The treatment is uncomfortable- more for my back and right arm and neck than for the treatment site or the pain of the treatment itself. But WHO CARES? It is working!
My sleep cycle is normal for the first time in YEARS - can't even remember how long it has been since I rose on my own before 8 am and got sleepy and fell asleep without help before midnight.
2nd week revealed a pattern - The first of the 75 trains of treatment was mild- like a 5/10 on pain, then the 2nd and 3rd would be the strongest - 8/10, then they would play music on Pandora Radio and I would settle into the next 72 jolts at a steady 3-5 out of 10 in pain. As the pain goes up on my back and neck from being restrained, my pain goes down on the treatment site on the left side of my head.
The strength I am getting is 125% at 10Hz, so 10 jolts a second for 4 seconds followed by 26 seconds of rest (there is NO pain or anything during that rest time). At the end of this week, I will have completed 3 weeks of TMS treatment and that concludes the data for their study. Today I have an appointment with the psychiatrist of the study to assess my progress, and if he approves, they will offer me 3 more weeks of treatment for my sake (no payment is involved wtih this study so I think of it as my payback).
You have no idea, I could never tell you how wonderful it is to feel myself so normal right now. Albeit very emotional, angry, crying at the littlest thing, but so awake and feel able to do things and want to do social things. :-)
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
3rd treatment of TMS
I was wary of the pain for the next treatment because the extensive muscular pain I experienced yesterday (my back, right shoulder, right arm) maintained all night but then I reassured myself that the pain was not really from the pulses, it is my FMS causing muscle spasms and cramps from laying in the same position for an hour or more. And oddly enough that pain perception brings the head TMS pain down to 3-5/10 so it isn't all bad!
So I brought an old cushy exercise mat and a huge soft bath sheet and created a comfy cushion to lay on on top of the exam table ...and it worked! I tolerated all 75 treatment pulses at a 3/10 today and I didn't get the arm and back spasms until right at the 74th pulse, seconds before the end of the session. We are hoping I can get a massage this weekend and make it through the whole treatment session without any spasms next week but that may be stretching it.
I feel very clear minded, chatty and mentally stimulated, though still physically tired after this session. Unlike yesterday, I am really looking forward to tomorrow's session and finishing out the first week on Friday.
So I brought an old cushy exercise mat and a huge soft bath sheet and created a comfy cushion to lay on on top of the exam table ...and it worked! I tolerated all 75 treatment pulses at a 3/10 today and I didn't get the arm and back spasms until right at the 74th pulse, seconds before the end of the session. We are hoping I can get a massage this weekend and make it through the whole treatment session without any spasms next week but that may be stretching it.
I feel very clear minded, chatty and mentally stimulated, though still physically tired after this session. Unlike yesterday, I am really looking forward to tomorrow's session and finishing out the first week on Friday.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
2nd day of irTMS treatment
Well, I survived my 2nd day of TMS. The intensity of the pulses reduced consistently over the 75-100 over the course of 38 minutes. I don't know exactly how many episodes there were. That is challenging but what I find even more troublesome is the uncomfortableness of the table and having to keep the position for such a long time. I need a massage - I am still getting muscle knots and spasms in my neck, shoulders, arms, upper back.
I never did get any headache yesterday from the first treatment. But apparently it was not at full strength. I need to get more details - not sure if I got full treatment today, but I know it was higher than the first day. I did wake-up easier and more alert then usual this morning, but the doc says it could be a placebo effect.
I never did get any headache yesterday from the first treatment. But apparently it was not at full strength. I need to get more details - not sure if I got full treatment today, but I know it was higher than the first day. I did wake-up easier and more alert then usual this morning, but the doc says it could be a placebo effect.
Monday, June 1, 2009
more gardens
Today, Monday, June 1st, the flowers are glorious - the Texas Sage is blooming so much it is almost animated.
The tomato plant has 2 more flowers that will hopefully produce fruit.
I see a few more dots of green- could be more spinach seedlings or maybe some beets too!
The tomato plant has 2 more flowers that will hopefully produce fruit.
I see a few more dots of green- could be more spinach seedlings or maybe some beets too!
1st day of TMS treatment
Today I went into the lab at UTHSCSA and had the first treatment of irTMS. I didn't expect to burst into tears; I didn't expect it to hurt alot.
I did get a little used to the violence of the magnetic bursts into my cranium- about 18 fast pulses, then 20 seconds of break, and pulses again and again with the 20 sec. breaks for about 37 minutes. The first full TMS brought me to tears and was a pain level of 8 out of 10. It is hard to explain- the electrical current pulls the left side of my face- down over my eyelid across and down my cheek and down my nose to my left nostril. Some bursts are more localized and my perception of them is about a 5 pain level, with very little facial involvement and just a knocking on the scalp but a light one is always followed by a very hard pulling one.
I feel very awake, no pain after the pulses ceased, no pain after the treatment. I am to expect a severe headache anytime now until the middle of the night. I have decided to wait for it and then take Ultram or Advil to ease the headache (so I know what I am dealing with). Then I can take a pain reliever before the treatment and head it off maybe.
Please God, let this treatment help me.
I have this inspiration to draw/paint and I am no artist. It is a fem figure light against a dark canvas with arms outstretched upward - there is a big copper coil in the top left corner and on the left side of her cranium is a glowing dot.
I did get a little used to the violence of the magnetic bursts into my cranium- about 18 fast pulses, then 20 seconds of break, and pulses again and again with the 20 sec. breaks for about 37 minutes. The first full TMS brought me to tears and was a pain level of 8 out of 10. It is hard to explain- the electrical current pulls the left side of my face- down over my eyelid across and down my cheek and down my nose to my left nostril. Some bursts are more localized and my perception of them is about a 5 pain level, with very little facial involvement and just a knocking on the scalp but a light one is always followed by a very hard pulling one.
I feel very awake, no pain after the pulses ceased, no pain after the treatment. I am to expect a severe headache anytime now until the middle of the night. I have decided to wait for it and then take Ultram or Advil to ease the headache (so I know what I am dealing with). Then I can take a pain reliever before the treatment and head it off maybe.
Please God, let this treatment help me.
I have this inspiration to draw/paint and I am no artist. It is a fem figure light against a dark canvas with arms outstretched upward - there is a big copper coil in the top left corner and on the left side of her cranium is a glowing dot.
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