better pic after caught in rain on walk at sunset

normal life, healed living

I am in an old hometown, Oscoda, Michigan. Haven't been here for 29 years and it fits me like a glove. I got emotional driving up the NE coast coming here. I have a few days by myself and with friends before my daughter joins me for the last part of my vacation week. We have never had a vacation together where I wasn't sick or flared up, tired and depressed (very limited). I cannot wait for her to see me. I haven't weighed myself in a week but I swam laps 2 times last week and started little walks. My clothes are looser and looser and my brain thinks I am like a size 16- really I am a 20 coming down from a 24. Today, my 2nd day here, I woke with the first light around 6 a.m. and walked on the beach outside my cabin on the shore of Lake Huron. My only company was 2 gulls and the sound of the waves beating on the shore. The sunrise was all pink and glorious and I FEEL SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!

2nd day after end of TMS treatment

Howdy,

This is Sunday, July 12, 2009, the second day after my last irTMS treatment. At the end of treatment I did some memory tests that I had completed prior to treatment, and I was much improved on those. My hearing test was another matter. I had a significant hearing loss in my left ear, which is the side of the treatment. I think that definitely the result is part from being tested immediately after treatment. Perhaps I hear better after a time? So, we will repeat the hearing test in about 2-4 weeks. If I have pervasive hearing loss in the left ear from treatment, so be it! It was well worth it! But that is yet to be seen.

So, the question is - how long do I have in the N-Zone? The normal zone that is...

last week of TMS treatment countdown

Well, yesterday began my last week of the 6 weeks of irTMS treatment. Today is day 4 counting down to end date on Friday July 10th. I am a little nervous about the end of treatment. Lots of questions about how I will be without the daily stimulation sessions. Will I get out of bed so easily? I think my favorite thing about all the changes is the "correction" of my sleep pattern. I love falling into bed around 11 p.m. really tired and ready to sleep, and then sleep really hard until, when I open my eyes, the sun is coming up around 7 a.m. And also knowing I will have the energy to create a full day ahead of me, is awesome! I won't miss the pain in my back from the table, nor the stressful drive across town to the Health Science Center and back. It has been so time consuming, taking almost half a day Mon-Fri for all these weeks. BUT, what did I have but time on my hands, so ill, I couldn't do much. Now all the possibilities are just stretched out before me.

Blessings,

Marian

List of Changes

When I started TMS changes were felt almost immediately. Here is a list that I recall from the beginning to now:

• awoke earlier the first week - around 10 and then 9 a.m. as the first week progressed (always slept past noon before). Each week I woke up without an alarm one hour earlier than the previous week- I am up by 6:30 a.m. now (earlier than I wish) and up at 3:00 a.m. this morning raring to go (which is weird). I get tired around 10 a.m. and usually take a rest, if I can. I will probably need a nap today, waking so early. I went to sleep at 11 p.m. so that is only 4 hours sleep!
  

• had a huge decrease in carbohydrate sugar cravings (could not even force myself to eat my nightly ice cream with chocolate syrup) and developed cravings for salad, veggies and soups. I do crave carb veggies and fruits and starches though. Rice and beans sound so good everyday, and pasta and corn, I just only have a few a day so I can continue to drop some weight.

• mood changes were interesting to observe in myself - as i remember going through all kinds of agitation, anger, aggression on the way down to sadness and despair of depression, I emerged the same way! Week 3 I was almost road raging on the highway, "get outta my way, stupid!" I was having conflicts with merchants and finding much wrong with things in stores, getting mad about everything! I was a little nervous I would be stuck in that aggressive, angry stage, but I came out of it after 2 weeks, and I feel calmer, confident, tolerant, kinder on the road (except when I get cut off, I hate that!). Let me clarify, I wasn't angry all the time, just when provoked - and there is a lot of conflict out there to be provoked about! I was very cognizant of it and was observing in myself how I was reacting and I was actively trying to calm down and rationalize and deal with it. What I love about the space I am in right now - I have pain, fatigue, stress, but I CAN DEAL WITH IT!
  

Amazing News/Maintenance

So one of the researchers approached the principal investigator, Dr. Fox at the UTHSCSA, about my quest to get maintenance TMS (and not revert at all). She said that he didn't even let her finish her question, he said YES they would pursue changing the protocol to include providing maintenance for me and the other subjects if/when we find we are getting depressive symptoms again. It helps that the treatment I am getting in the study is irTMS, not just rTMS which is what is out there now for treatment. My treatment is image directed, rapid TMS, and I guess the practitioners are not using the image directed. Basically the location of the coil is placed against my head directed by an MRI image of my head which is fit by a digital cap image taken every time I go. They use a digital pen and outline my scalp and then fit the "cap" image on my brain image to get the target as exact as they can each time.

ANYWAY, I am kind of in shock about the good news. I feel I can relax and not worry and plan my future without a worrisome relapse ahead of me. All I can think of lately is making some kind of prioritized list of things to do while I am as well as I am. Aside: I still have my fibromyalgia symptoms pretty strongly, although I feel pretty sure the pain level is much lower than before. I have been able to exercise starting this week - ahead of this, just getting out of bed, taking a shower, washing my hair, getting dressed, driving across town was just a HUGE improvement and increase in my activity. Yesterday I went to Blossom Pool and swam laps for 20 minutes - so sore now. I am not kidding, I was smiling in the water as I used my body - it felt so good. I have an appointment with an internist, Dr. Tamyra Rogers, for weight loss help later today. I have already been doing a modified Medifast diet with her for a week now and have lost 5 pds (I was eating a lot of carbs before TMS). THE FUTURE LOOKS SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR SHADES!