Still grateful, crying times, and men.

Well, long time since I posted. I was sort of on hold waiting for Brad to get back in touch. Yes, I was a little obsessed about it.

He finally did send an email on Labor Day, Sept. 7th, that reached me around 4 p.m. that day that he was OK. His whole unit had to move to another FOB (Forward Operating Base) Union III and give back the headquarters they were using for NATO to the Iraqi Security Forces. All their communications were down for weeks and he was working really long shifts every day without a break. I need to manage this stressful situation. I was proud of myself because I realized I need to protect myself from this kind of extreme stress and worry, and so I wrote him to help with it, and not tell me all the details of rocket attacks and proximity of bombs to their building and damages and all that worrisome war stuff! But what happened was, he sent one really nice email that listed fun things to do at the beach to celebrate my life and to recharge and then I have no more emails from him at all. Sigh.

So I went on an awesome Beach Retreat with 30 ladies from my church and yes it was renewing. I have attached pictures here which show some of Brad's list- like feeding the seagulls, building a sand castle, listening to the surf, and all those delightful surfside activities.

I have been corresponding with a guy from high school that I saw again when I visited Michigan this summer. He recently got harsh with me about being stagnant in my life and not knowing everything about me and my depression (who knows all this about us? we only reveal what we want to those around us right?) he sort of lost patience with me and wrote to me,

"...you are a grown woman who will always come up with some kinda excuse not to do what you want, how close do you live by your parents?, get outta the f*&^@$% box before the lid slams down and they throw f*bomb dirt on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then 15 years from now you will be whining that you shoulda done this or that- how pathetic, you don't need anyone to make you happy, you are happy."

Sigh - BREATHE - needless to say, I cried for hours, wondered how I invited this tirade against me, and then proceeded to contact him by phone to not only rage back against such strong words of criticism, but also to explain that he didn't realize what depths of depression I had been in and how many brave steps I had taken this year and how much I have done to regain lost time in my life. For someone who had suicidal ideation for a year, the coffin analogy went straight to the brain, the heart, and soul and everytime I read it, I just leak tears. He crossed the line with me, I told him, he knows it, he apologized, he explained he was trying to shock me out of complacency (WHAT complacency?), and now he texts me each day, "are you OK?", "are you OK?". Well, I am OK, but I am crying more, I do feel stressed, and confused. I am SO scared of regression and feel SO defensive of my recovery - I don't want to get on meds again since they have such mixed results for me. Did I say before that my internist did put me on 5-ATP for these stress signs I was showing in her office? Heavy sigh...

What is on my mind right now is that I can retreat in my house again, and protect myself and my recovery, but what living is that? Writing to my pen pal Brad in Iraq has been a blessing and a great expansion of my heart (and my prayer life) - so, his well-being stresses me out - I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO MANAGE WORRY. And my friend from high school, he loves me enough to push me to live more. He listened, as Brad did, about my health worries and has understood and backed off. Hmmm, yeah these guys stress me out A LOT! But lookie! I have men in my life who care about me - yes, from a distance- Iraq and Michigan - but last year and many years before that - I was without anyone caring about me. What a miracle! LOL!

Life is SO full of surprises - PLEASE, don't miss it!

All my love, Marian

p.s. I am having pain and fibrofog from my fibromyalgia - I could not remember how to post a picture, how strange and frustrating. Then I remembered all the sudden- so weird! lol

VIDEO: Depression forces MP out

VIDEO: Depression forces MP out

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Hello again

Good morning,

Here is a picture of my pen pal turned good friend, Brad, TDY for 6 months in the Green Zone, Baghdad, Iraq (8 weeks to go). Mid- August they had lots of fire coming in from the insurgents, and I last heard from him on Aug. 26th.

Lots of prayers, and crossing of fingers and well-wishes that he come home to his 3 kids here.

BE SAFE BRAD!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

Thich Nhat Hanh

I am pretty stressed out - praying a lot, not wanting to compromise my recovery whatsoever. I am a little incredulous that in one week it has only been 2 months since my last TMS session. That seems like a season ago, you know? Lots of heavy living in this last few months. I guess I am trying to make up for lots of lost time, but I can feel a danger of burning out as I overwhelm and overdo. I am back in school for Library Science, trying to be a full-time student and taking 3 classes- whew- so much reading and little concentration to do so. Little retention of what I read as well so I have to repeat read a lot. I have volunteered to restart the Singles of St. Pius group at my church (I used to run it 10 years ago before I got so depressed and fibroed out). I now write articles on depression for the Examiner.com - my title there is San Antonio Depression Examiner. And I am just active everyday- going to church, movies with friends, support group Visa to Health every Tuesday, FMS support group every other Saturday- WHEW! From bed and house bound to running around doing a lot!

On the physical side, I am down to 255 pds from my high of 285 (my weight on the first day of TMS), am working out almost everyday now and am watching what I eat for sure. I use meal replacements like USANA or Medifast 1-3 meals a day and eat mostly meat and veggies and fruit for the other meals. I am taking supplements like 5-HTP, Calcium Magnesium, Fish Oil, Red Yeast Rice, and GlucoThera, Vit. D, trying to correct blood sugar, cholesteral. I lost 10 inches off my large frame in July and 9 inches in August and finally folks see a change and mention I look better. I certainly feel better, and slimmer than I look!

Emotionally I am crying at least daily, which worries me (and leads to more crying!) but I get feedback that anyone under these circumstances would also be crying from the stress. At this point the crying does not depress me as it did pre-TMS. Right now I feel high anxiety which builds and overflows into crying and then I feel SO much better and continue on. It used to feel like a wash of depression on my brain and I would get worse after crying. This feels like a release and a relief and my good mood restores after I cry. Sometimes my crying is a prayer of thanksgiving because I do feel so much better, am coping well and am living so much day by day I am amazed!

So I am putting into practice what I learned in Psychology- behavior affects attitude. I am smiling and letting it make me feel better. I am going out to events, talking about Bradley and my cousin David in Afghanistan, keeping up my almost daily walks on the trails of the park (still working on getting the photos off my phone), accepting invitations to join friends, attending the CineMujer film festival, and buying a meal for a hungry man just out of prison (now THAT was quite a meal we shared- what a blessing to meet Charles yesterday).

I feel full - full of life and I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Cheers,

Marian

Having Less Doesn’t Mean You Are Less

Don’t confuse having less with being less, having more with being more, or what you have with who you are.

~ Beliefnet.com

Today I awoke sort of sobered. My fibro flared with summer storms and I had to figure out how to regulate my pain, mood, actions, etc. So even though I suffered much pain, it has been such a successful week as I figured out another nuance of staying in the normal range. I am so proud of myself and so grateful to my friends, my therapist and my doctors for how they listen to me, and support me while I am so motivated to work all this out with my new energy.

Despite being in pain and tired, I went to a high school football game last night- HOW FUN! I was in marching band 30 years ago, and all the sights and sounds were so fun, I didn't even feel my pain except a little on the metal bench (wishing I had brought a stadium seat with me). I was so proud of Liliana, a freshman playing flute, and Shannon, a freshman cheerleader- cheering in the stands for the varsity team. I have been invited to go to the freshman games so I can see Shannon cheer and keep coming to the varsity games to see Liliana march the halftimes. Sigh- no more stuck at home alone---AWESOME!

I am so open and smiley, as I walked up the aisle of the bleachers looking for my friends to sit with, 2 different people patted the bleacher and said you can sit here with us...! WHAT! This NEVER happens to me- I guess I am just radiating all these open, positive vibes and I was so so so grateful to them - one was a cute guy - what hope I got from that!

On top of all that, I was wearing my cool jeans, the ones I just got into after years of not fitting in any jeans, so I felt good and "normal."

So I awoke sobered, not manic, not depressed, just....and I did some housework awaiting the sunrise (can you even believe I am up this early?) so I could put on my tennis shoes and walk the trails after a good rain last night. The dust was all settled and the trails were better than ever- tons of birds and dragonflies and part of me feels like I am in the best good dream.

Have the best day and know there is hope for fun and love in a new day,

Marian

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."

Saint Francis de Sales

It rained last night, storming- would be a blessing for our drought but I am in such pain- my fibromyalgia rearing its ugly head, damn monster it is.

I wrote a friend to see if I can use her hot tub today and then it dawned on me- get thyself in the bathtub, fool. I interrupted this post to do just that and I cried from relief. Isn't it funny, in the middle of a "crisis" the clear thinking is just not there, or is out of reach. But I reached it writing this - whew!

I think I soaked for 30 minutes in Orange Ginger bath gel, bath salts and Epsom salts (just tried it all) and I still have a headache but my pain level is down to 4 from 8 and the tears are dried.

Thank you God for my home, my bathtub and my brain that can still think just in delayed time..

Cheers and have the best day you can!

Marian

One week later... more war, more progress, more JOY!

Well, how is everyone out there? I have been through a mess this week. But I handled it, and came through OK- very much changed, but OK. My morning walks are up to one full hour now - down the block into the neighborhood park and then into the trails for a religious experience in the Church of the redbird, the Blue Jay and the dragonflies. I pray and pray and pray for the safety of Brad in Baghdad, Trent, and David in Afghanistan. If I am lucky, I run into very enthusiastic joggers, bikers and hikers on the same trails and we get to grin at each other in the early morning sunrise time. To think I used to sleep sleep sleep my mornings away and this was what I was missing. I am so so so sore, yes. But I am putting that SSD backpay to good use with weekly massage, chiropractic adjustments and other physical therapy. I now attend 2 support groups- one 2-3 times a month and the other once a week.
**I just got into my jeans this morning** OMG does that make an old lady feel like a giddy gal! YIPPEE! I have lost a total of 30 pds since the start of my irTMS treatment June 1st. And now I have gotten some stamina and endurance and muscle going (love the way my arms are looking), the weight loss seems faster. My face and my stomach are still very swollen and large but I am still noticing small changes there as well. My self-esteem will be helped when I can like my face again! My cheeks are just so swollen- I forgot that all the times I was on steroids could have contributed to that change.

The Green Zone in Baghdad was attacked by rocket fire last night (another Tuesday attack) and Brad said it landed behind the U.S. Embassy. We guess since there are no casualties (thank GOD), there is no news of the event either. My sleep is disturbed by the stress of these attacks and the imminent danger that this dear friend is under, but boy is my prayer life taking off! I know I am lucky to have connected with another dear soul going through this journey and I need and must just take it day by day and be ever so grateful that he and the other troops there are unscathed.

My daily life is energetic, positive, and I am receiving many blessings on a daily basis.
I remain enthusiastic, I LOVE MY PASSION!, and I am so motivated to grab back all the life I missed for the last 10 years or so.

Cheers!

Marian Paul

p.s. Notice I updated my profile to show my real name. The reluctance to share my experience with others I know is fading and the paranoia of stigma or judgement is just melted away. God bless y'all.

Am I in the N zone? Brad in Iraq...

I hesitate to post right now, but I am compelled to document how I feel. I had some really crazy highs the last few weeks, but not unwarranted. Lots of big, good things were happening - in the last 30 days I have been granted disability retirement from the state with corresponding medical coverage for life (on their dime), my SS Disability was approved - all that back pay let me pay my folks back for floating me through the last year off work, I have had unsolicited "reunions" with old flames which freaks me out - these guys were my first loves from 8th and then 9th grade - one I saw in the airport on vacation, one wrote me on Facebook - very endearing reunions! Lots of love coming my way. There is more but I digress...

So then I get my first emotional challenge. I come back home from a doctor's appointment to see that Baghdad has been bombed with six truck bombs and the Green Zone had mortar attacks as well on August 19th. My online pen pal works for NATO in the Green Zone. No way, this is not happening. I was just at the lab telling how I am over the top happy. Now I am shaking, huge anxiety, crying, racing thoughts of the worst. I feel very alone, with no support, and I can't call anyone. How did I get back at old ways so fast? The only thing I could think to do was post on Facebook and 2 friends replied they would pray with me since I was going crazy to hear from Brad to know he was OK. So I sat at the computer, carried the phone with me room to room all day, huge anxiety, crying with worry, shaking at times - why didn't I think to call anyone?! I have resources, but I did not use them, other then FB. Finally Brad emailed me a short note of reassurance at 9:33 p.m. (5:33 a.m. Baghdad time) and I had a meltdown. Crying, angry, pissed off at all politicians and terrorists, crazy emotional reactions. Unfortunately I have not been able to just stand up, brush off and keep going. I have been tearing up, and having crying spells every 3-4 hours since then. Only sleeping about 3-4 hours at time. Napping in the daytime when I am tired. Very grouchy from lack of sleep as well. Yesterday I had huge road rage driving across town and back. I hope I didn't scare too many drivers; I was very aggressive on the road - so angry. He said, "I won't lie, it was VERY close." Building was damaged, but no injuries in the camp. OK, so this is time for gratitude - I mean I pray about one hour each morning for this man in Baghdad (AF), my step-son in Okinawa (Marines), and my cousin in Afghanistan (AF) and I really believe prayers works - for me to handle the anxiety and for them for safety and reassurance. So thank God he wasn't harmed (but 100 were killed and 500 injured in this one day in Baghdad) --- you know what I find really crazy? No one knows this - how awful it is - how big this incident was - everyone is just going along like we have no wars we are fighting. Pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I am so naive - I thought I was being so cute, writing a soldier in Iraq who was from my hometown - how cute, right? (sarcastic look on my face) Now I am a freakin' mess of nerves because I feel like this man is a part of my family; I know about his family, his 3 kids awaiting him here, and all the details of his life before he left and what he goes through there. If anything happens to him, I will be affected forever...I always thought of our developing friendship as part of my recovery, sharing with someone all about my illness and recovery. Well, maybe it is, right? I mean this is part of being human, going through all these major stressors. I guess I will make a therapy appointment, and keep careful inventory of my progress this week trying to recover from August 19th, 2009. I want to scream and cuss, throw things and hit something. I am so tired, I wonder when I read this later if it makes any sense whatsoever. Please God protect Brad, Trent, and David, my loved ones in harm's way, and protect all our troops serving our country - and let all violence and war stop, AMEN. Oh, and for me, please help me handle this stress without compromising my recovery...wah :-(