Still grateful, crying times, and men.

Well, long time since I posted. I was sort of on hold waiting for Brad to get back in touch. Yes, I was a little obsessed about it.

He finally did send an email on Labor Day, Sept. 7th, that reached me around 4 p.m. that day that he was OK. His whole unit had to move to another FOB (Forward Operating Base) Union III and give back the headquarters they were using for NATO to the Iraqi Security Forces. All their communications were down for weeks and he was working really long shifts every day without a break. I need to manage this stressful situation. I was proud of myself because I realized I need to protect myself from this kind of extreme stress and worry, and so I wrote him to help with it, and not tell me all the details of rocket attacks and proximity of bombs to their building and damages and all that worrisome war stuff! But what happened was, he sent one really nice email that listed fun things to do at the beach to celebrate my life and to recharge and then I have no more emails from him at all. Sigh.

So I went on an awesome Beach Retreat with 30 ladies from my church and yes it was renewing. I have attached pictures here which show some of Brad's list- like feeding the seagulls, building a sand castle, listening to the surf, and all those delightful surfside activities.

I have been corresponding with a guy from high school that I saw again when I visited Michigan this summer. He recently got harsh with me about being stagnant in my life and not knowing everything about me and my depression (who knows all this about us? we only reveal what we want to those around us right?) he sort of lost patience with me and wrote to me,

"...you are a grown woman who will always come up with some kinda excuse not to do what you want, how close do you live by your parents?, get outta the f*&^@$% box before the lid slams down and they throw f*bomb dirt on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then 15 years from now you will be whining that you shoulda done this or that- how pathetic, you don't need anyone to make you happy, you are happy."

Sigh - BREATHE - needless to say, I cried for hours, wondered how I invited this tirade against me, and then proceeded to contact him by phone to not only rage back against such strong words of criticism, but also to explain that he didn't realize what depths of depression I had been in and how many brave steps I had taken this year and how much I have done to regain lost time in my life. For someone who had suicidal ideation for a year, the coffin analogy went straight to the brain, the heart, and soul and everytime I read it, I just leak tears. He crossed the line with me, I told him, he knows it, he apologized, he explained he was trying to shock me out of complacency (WHAT complacency?), and now he texts me each day, "are you OK?", "are you OK?". Well, I am OK, but I am crying more, I do feel stressed, and confused. I am SO scared of regression and feel SO defensive of my recovery - I don't want to get on meds again since they have such mixed results for me. Did I say before that my internist did put me on 5-ATP for these stress signs I was showing in her office? Heavy sigh...

What is on my mind right now is that I can retreat in my house again, and protect myself and my recovery, but what living is that? Writing to my pen pal Brad in Iraq has been a blessing and a great expansion of my heart (and my prayer life) - so, his well-being stresses me out - I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO MANAGE WORRY. And my friend from high school, he loves me enough to push me to live more. He listened, as Brad did, about my health worries and has understood and backed off. Hmmm, yeah these guys stress me out A LOT! But lookie! I have men in my life who care about me - yes, from a distance- Iraq and Michigan - but last year and many years before that - I was without anyone caring about me. What a miracle! LOL!

Life is SO full of surprises - PLEASE, don't miss it!

All my love, Marian

p.s. I am having pain and fibrofog from my fibromyalgia - I could not remember how to post a picture, how strange and frustrating. Then I remembered all the sudden- so weird! lol

VIDEO: Depression forces MP out

VIDEO: Depression forces MP out

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Hello again

Good morning,

Here is a picture of my pen pal turned good friend, Brad, TDY for 6 months in the Green Zone, Baghdad, Iraq (8 weeks to go). Mid- August they had lots of fire coming in from the insurgents, and I last heard from him on Aug. 26th.

Lots of prayers, and crossing of fingers and well-wishes that he come home to his 3 kids here.

BE SAFE BRAD!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

Thich Nhat Hanh

I am pretty stressed out - praying a lot, not wanting to compromise my recovery whatsoever. I am a little incredulous that in one week it has only been 2 months since my last TMS session. That seems like a season ago, you know? Lots of heavy living in this last few months. I guess I am trying to make up for lots of lost time, but I can feel a danger of burning out as I overwhelm and overdo. I am back in school for Library Science, trying to be a full-time student and taking 3 classes- whew- so much reading and little concentration to do so. Little retention of what I read as well so I have to repeat read a lot. I have volunteered to restart the Singles of St. Pius group at my church (I used to run it 10 years ago before I got so depressed and fibroed out). I now write articles on depression for the Examiner.com - my title there is San Antonio Depression Examiner. And I am just active everyday- going to church, movies with friends, support group Visa to Health every Tuesday, FMS support group every other Saturday- WHEW! From bed and house bound to running around doing a lot!

On the physical side, I am down to 255 pds from my high of 285 (my weight on the first day of TMS), am working out almost everyday now and am watching what I eat for sure. I use meal replacements like USANA or Medifast 1-3 meals a day and eat mostly meat and veggies and fruit for the other meals. I am taking supplements like 5-HTP, Calcium Magnesium, Fish Oil, Red Yeast Rice, and GlucoThera, Vit. D, trying to correct blood sugar, cholesteral. I lost 10 inches off my large frame in July and 9 inches in August and finally folks see a change and mention I look better. I certainly feel better, and slimmer than I look!

Emotionally I am crying at least daily, which worries me (and leads to more crying!) but I get feedback that anyone under these circumstances would also be crying from the stress. At this point the crying does not depress me as it did pre-TMS. Right now I feel high anxiety which builds and overflows into crying and then I feel SO much better and continue on. It used to feel like a wash of depression on my brain and I would get worse after crying. This feels like a release and a relief and my good mood restores after I cry. Sometimes my crying is a prayer of thanksgiving because I do feel so much better, am coping well and am living so much day by day I am amazed!

So I am putting into practice what I learned in Psychology- behavior affects attitude. I am smiling and letting it make me feel better. I am going out to events, talking about Bradley and my cousin David in Afghanistan, keeping up my almost daily walks on the trails of the park (still working on getting the photos off my phone), accepting invitations to join friends, attending the CineMujer film festival, and buying a meal for a hungry man just out of prison (now THAT was quite a meal we shared- what a blessing to meet Charles yesterday).

I feel full - full of life and I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Cheers,

Marian