Well, long time since I posted. I was sort of on hold waiting for Brad to get back in touch. Yes, I was a little obsessed about it.
He finally did send an email on Labor Day, Sept. 7th, that reached me around 4 p.m. that day that he was OK. His whole unit had to move to another FOB (Forward Operating Base) Union III and give back the headquarters they were using for NATO to the Iraqi Security Forces. All their communications were down for weeks and he was working really long shifts every day without a break. I need to manage this stressful situation. I was proud of myself because I realized I need to protect myself from this kind of extreme stress and worry, and so I wrote him to help with it, and not tell me all the details of rocket attacks and proximity of bombs to their building and damages and all that worrisome war stuff! But what happened was, he sent one really nice email that listed fun things to do at the beach to celebrate my life and to recharge and then I have no more emails from him at all. Sigh.
So I went on an awesome Beach Retreat with 30 ladies from my church and yes it was renewing. I have attached pictures here which show some of Brad's list- like feeding the seagulls, building a sand castle, listening to the surf, and all those delightful surfside activities.
I have been corresponding with a guy from high school that I saw again when I visited Michigan this summer. He recently got harsh with me about being stagnant in my life and not knowing everything about me and my depression (who knows all this about us? we only reveal what we want to those around us right?) he sort of lost patience with me and wrote to me,
"...you are a grown woman who will always come up with some kinda excuse not to do what you want, how close do you live by your parents?, get outta the f*&^@$% box before the lid slams down and they throw f*bomb dirt on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then 15 years from now you will be whining that you shoulda done this or that- how pathetic, you don't need anyone to make you happy, you are happy."
Sigh - BREATHE - needless to say, I cried for hours, wondered how I invited this tirade against me, and then proceeded to contact him by phone to not only rage back against such strong words of criticism, but also to explain that he didn't realize what depths of depression I had been in and how many brave steps I had taken this year and how much I have done to regain lost time in my life. For someone who had suicidal ideation for a year, the coffin analogy went straight to the brain, the heart, and soul and everytime I read it, I just leak tears. He crossed the line with me, I told him, he knows it, he apologized, he explained he was trying to shock me out of complacency (WHAT complacency?), and now he texts me each day, "are you OK?", "are you OK?". Well, I am OK, but I am crying more, I do feel stressed, and confused. I am SO scared of regression and feel SO defensive of my recovery - I don't want to get on meds again since they have such mixed results for me. Did I say before that my internist did put me on 5-ATP for these stress signs I was showing in her office? Heavy sigh...
What is on my mind right now is that I can retreat in my house again, and protect myself and my recovery, but what living is that? Writing to my pen pal Brad in Iraq has been a blessing and a great expansion of my heart (and my prayer life) - so, his well-being stresses me out - I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO MANAGE WORRY. And my friend from high school, he loves me enough to push me to live more. He listened, as Brad did, about my health worries and has understood and backed off. Hmmm, yeah these guys stress me out A LOT! But lookie! I have men in my life who care about me - yes, from a distance- Iraq and Michigan - but last year and many years before that - I was without anyone caring about me. What a miracle! LOL!
Life is SO full of surprises - PLEASE, don't miss it!
All my love, Marian
p.s. I am having pain and fibrofog from my fibromyalgia - I could not remember how to post a picture, how strange and frustrating. Then I remembered all the sudden- so weird! lol
2 comments:
Great pics from the beach Marian. I'm happy for you that you took the advice of your friend and re-experienced the wonders of the beach.
It much be like being reborn again with the weight of depression off your shoulders.
I have experienced the same insensitivity from friends and family that do not understand how depression can handicap a person both physically and mentally.
Are you receiving any TMS treatments as a recharge? All the best.
Scott
Hi Scott,
Thanks for your comments. No, I am not receiving any maintenance TMS treatments yet. The irTMS study researchers were developing the protocol for following up with subjects to monitor maintenance treatments when and if we regress. So far, knock on wood and thank the creator, I am bouncing back from my stressors and still feel normal or non-depressed. I am self-monitoring pretty much on a daily/weekly basis and have regular appointments with my psychiatrist, therapist, rhuematologist and internist who are all on my "team." I will definitely post any follow-up treatments here. By the way, I am still waking up without stimulants which just is the best thing of all! I am however, more ADD than ever and having extreme difficulty completing tasks and homework for my online classes, sigh. I will take this up with the psychiatrist next week and see if he thinks Concerta is back in my plan.
Take care of yourself!
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