Updates

I have struggled the last few weeks and realize that the depression is coming back.

I did start the new therapy with Dr. Truitt's Neurodiagnostic Lab- called frequency specific microcurrent. It is run with varying protocols, like for pain from fibromyalgia, adrenal support, adrenal calming, depression, sleep, etc. and I am pleasantly surprised to say it has cut my pain almost in half at least. But despite the pain reduction, the slippery slope of depression has begun. I was referred to a private TMS doctor in town who called me back and will set up a screening appointment this week and says I am welcome to get maintenance treatment with him beginning November 15th. I am seriously considering taking Pristiq for these 2-3 weeks but just cannot make a decision. My symptoms are hypersomnulence but also trouble sleeping all night, last week I cried a lot - the type of crying that washes my brain in depression and leaves me more depressed after crying - not the welcome release I was having before. I also cannot concentrate, I have a flat affect despite exciting things - like meeting my long awaited pen pal friend just back from Baghdad, Iraq. YEA! Thank God he got back to his kids safely, I am eternally grateful for his service and to God for protecting him.

Still undecided about treatment...going to just try the praying, keep thinking positively route until other details come up.

Take care, Marian

I haven't posted in awhile. First let me talk about my picture. I planted a small raised organic garden in June and these are the baby carrots I just pulled up this morning...there is a mess of them, they smell good, they taste good and I am like a little kid, so excited to have followed through on my garden dream and have these veggies to eat all these months later!

I am struggling - too much stress, but mostly TOO MUCH PAIN and the pain has been my undoing. We finally broke our severe drought in central Texas but though that is good, or great, my FMS pain is back with a roar with each emerging storm system and everytime the barometric pressure changes I am raw with intense pain from head to toe. This pain now, as in the past, just zaps all my brain chemicals and puts me on the deadly spiral to depression. I had to drop a class a month ago, have to drop another and am left with one online class to keep my brain going, my cognitive functions alive, if IF I can even do that one!

I have a referral to a new neurologist that has a new e-stim brain method for pain relief- so I await that call-back tomorrow.

My psychiatrist says I have pre-depression dementia - not ADD like I thought - can't read, can't tell you what I read, can't think, can't get anything done, house is a disaster area...

Can't even do this post much longer!

I called the UTHSCSA and spoke to the TMS research doctor. She will call me tomorrow as well about what to do for maintenance irTMS treatments. I could go on the anti-depressants now but if I alleviate the pain, I feel pretty good - so I am going that route for now. Still doing all the non- medicine route of pain relief I can every single week - massage, chiropractic adjustments, Tai Chi, relaxation and working out every single day! I am using Biofreeze on what hurts, taking Advil gels, Tramadol, and Skelaxin as needed... Also using my tens unit occasionally. Having some emotional bouts here and there which don't feel so much like relief anymore, they tend to wash my brain in sadness, leaving me very sobered. I tear up when I think of my daughter, for example- missing her a lot. When I feel depression coming on, my old habits were to travel, get away - fly to Boulder to see her, fly out of state to see friends, or family. I feel like that now - ESCAPE - fly away- take a trip....

Take care. I am gonna fight this SO HARD!

Marian

Still grateful, crying times, and men.

Well, long time since I posted. I was sort of on hold waiting for Brad to get back in touch. Yes, I was a little obsessed about it.

He finally did send an email on Labor Day, Sept. 7th, that reached me around 4 p.m. that day that he was OK. His whole unit had to move to another FOB (Forward Operating Base) Union III and give back the headquarters they were using for NATO to the Iraqi Security Forces. All their communications were down for weeks and he was working really long shifts every day without a break. I need to manage this stressful situation. I was proud of myself because I realized I need to protect myself from this kind of extreme stress and worry, and so I wrote him to help with it, and not tell me all the details of rocket attacks and proximity of bombs to their building and damages and all that worrisome war stuff! But what happened was, he sent one really nice email that listed fun things to do at the beach to celebrate my life and to recharge and then I have no more emails from him at all. Sigh.

So I went on an awesome Beach Retreat with 30 ladies from my church and yes it was renewing. I have attached pictures here which show some of Brad's list- like feeding the seagulls, building a sand castle, listening to the surf, and all those delightful surfside activities.

I have been corresponding with a guy from high school that I saw again when I visited Michigan this summer. He recently got harsh with me about being stagnant in my life and not knowing everything about me and my depression (who knows all this about us? we only reveal what we want to those around us right?) he sort of lost patience with me and wrote to me,

"...you are a grown woman who will always come up with some kinda excuse not to do what you want, how close do you live by your parents?, get outta the f*&^@$% box before the lid slams down and they throw f*bomb dirt on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then 15 years from now you will be whining that you shoulda done this or that- how pathetic, you don't need anyone to make you happy, you are happy."

Sigh - BREATHE - needless to say, I cried for hours, wondered how I invited this tirade against me, and then proceeded to contact him by phone to not only rage back against such strong words of criticism, but also to explain that he didn't realize what depths of depression I had been in and how many brave steps I had taken this year and how much I have done to regain lost time in my life. For someone who had suicidal ideation for a year, the coffin analogy went straight to the brain, the heart, and soul and everytime I read it, I just leak tears. He crossed the line with me, I told him, he knows it, he apologized, he explained he was trying to shock me out of complacency (WHAT complacency?), and now he texts me each day, "are you OK?", "are you OK?". Well, I am OK, but I am crying more, I do feel stressed, and confused. I am SO scared of regression and feel SO defensive of my recovery - I don't want to get on meds again since they have such mixed results for me. Did I say before that my internist did put me on 5-ATP for these stress signs I was showing in her office? Heavy sigh...

What is on my mind right now is that I can retreat in my house again, and protect myself and my recovery, but what living is that? Writing to my pen pal Brad in Iraq has been a blessing and a great expansion of my heart (and my prayer life) - so, his well-being stresses me out - I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO MANAGE WORRY. And my friend from high school, he loves me enough to push me to live more. He listened, as Brad did, about my health worries and has understood and backed off. Hmmm, yeah these guys stress me out A LOT! But lookie! I have men in my life who care about me - yes, from a distance- Iraq and Michigan - but last year and many years before that - I was without anyone caring about me. What a miracle! LOL!

Life is SO full of surprises - PLEASE, don't miss it!

All my love, Marian

p.s. I am having pain and fibrofog from my fibromyalgia - I could not remember how to post a picture, how strange and frustrating. Then I remembered all the sudden- so weird! lol

VIDEO: Depression forces MP out

VIDEO: Depression forces MP out

Shared via AddThis

Hello again

Good morning,

Here is a picture of my pen pal turned good friend, Brad, TDY for 6 months in the Green Zone, Baghdad, Iraq (8 weeks to go). Mid- August they had lots of fire coming in from the insurgents, and I last heard from him on Aug. 26th.

Lots of prayers, and crossing of fingers and well-wishes that he come home to his 3 kids here.

BE SAFE BRAD!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

Thich Nhat Hanh

I am pretty stressed out - praying a lot, not wanting to compromise my recovery whatsoever. I am a little incredulous that in one week it has only been 2 months since my last TMS session. That seems like a season ago, you know? Lots of heavy living in this last few months. I guess I am trying to make up for lots of lost time, but I can feel a danger of burning out as I overwhelm and overdo. I am back in school for Library Science, trying to be a full-time student and taking 3 classes- whew- so much reading and little concentration to do so. Little retention of what I read as well so I have to repeat read a lot. I have volunteered to restart the Singles of St. Pius group at my church (I used to run it 10 years ago before I got so depressed and fibroed out). I now write articles on depression for the Examiner.com - my title there is San Antonio Depression Examiner. And I am just active everyday- going to church, movies with friends, support group Visa to Health every Tuesday, FMS support group every other Saturday- WHEW! From bed and house bound to running around doing a lot!

On the physical side, I am down to 255 pds from my high of 285 (my weight on the first day of TMS), am working out almost everyday now and am watching what I eat for sure. I use meal replacements like USANA or Medifast 1-3 meals a day and eat mostly meat and veggies and fruit for the other meals. I am taking supplements like 5-HTP, Calcium Magnesium, Fish Oil, Red Yeast Rice, and GlucoThera, Vit. D, trying to correct blood sugar, cholesteral. I lost 10 inches off my large frame in July and 9 inches in August and finally folks see a change and mention I look better. I certainly feel better, and slimmer than I look!

Emotionally I am crying at least daily, which worries me (and leads to more crying!) but I get feedback that anyone under these circumstances would also be crying from the stress. At this point the crying does not depress me as it did pre-TMS. Right now I feel high anxiety which builds and overflows into crying and then I feel SO much better and continue on. It used to feel like a wash of depression on my brain and I would get worse after crying. This feels like a release and a relief and my good mood restores after I cry. Sometimes my crying is a prayer of thanksgiving because I do feel so much better, am coping well and am living so much day by day I am amazed!

So I am putting into practice what I learned in Psychology- behavior affects attitude. I am smiling and letting it make me feel better. I am going out to events, talking about Bradley and my cousin David in Afghanistan, keeping up my almost daily walks on the trails of the park (still working on getting the photos off my phone), accepting invitations to join friends, attending the CineMujer film festival, and buying a meal for a hungry man just out of prison (now THAT was quite a meal we shared- what a blessing to meet Charles yesterday).

I feel full - full of life and I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Cheers,

Marian

Having Less Doesn’t Mean You Are Less

Don’t confuse having less with being less, having more with being more, or what you have with who you are.

~ Beliefnet.com

Today I awoke sort of sobered. My fibro flared with summer storms and I had to figure out how to regulate my pain, mood, actions, etc. So even though I suffered much pain, it has been such a successful week as I figured out another nuance of staying in the normal range. I am so proud of myself and so grateful to my friends, my therapist and my doctors for how they listen to me, and support me while I am so motivated to work all this out with my new energy.

Despite being in pain and tired, I went to a high school football game last night- HOW FUN! I was in marching band 30 years ago, and all the sights and sounds were so fun, I didn't even feel my pain except a little on the metal bench (wishing I had brought a stadium seat with me). I was so proud of Liliana, a freshman playing flute, and Shannon, a freshman cheerleader- cheering in the stands for the varsity team. I have been invited to go to the freshman games so I can see Shannon cheer and keep coming to the varsity games to see Liliana march the halftimes. Sigh- no more stuck at home alone---AWESOME!

I am so open and smiley, as I walked up the aisle of the bleachers looking for my friends to sit with, 2 different people patted the bleacher and said you can sit here with us...! WHAT! This NEVER happens to me- I guess I am just radiating all these open, positive vibes and I was so so so grateful to them - one was a cute guy - what hope I got from that!

On top of all that, I was wearing my cool jeans, the ones I just got into after years of not fitting in any jeans, so I felt good and "normal."

So I awoke sobered, not manic, not depressed, just....and I did some housework awaiting the sunrise (can you even believe I am up this early?) so I could put on my tennis shoes and walk the trails after a good rain last night. The dust was all settled and the trails were better than ever- tons of birds and dragonflies and part of me feels like I am in the best good dream.

Have the best day and know there is hope for fun and love in a new day,

Marian

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."

Saint Francis de Sales

It rained last night, storming- would be a blessing for our drought but I am in such pain- my fibromyalgia rearing its ugly head, damn monster it is.

I wrote a friend to see if I can use her hot tub today and then it dawned on me- get thyself in the bathtub, fool. I interrupted this post to do just that and I cried from relief. Isn't it funny, in the middle of a "crisis" the clear thinking is just not there, or is out of reach. But I reached it writing this - whew!

I think I soaked for 30 minutes in Orange Ginger bath gel, bath salts and Epsom salts (just tried it all) and I still have a headache but my pain level is down to 4 from 8 and the tears are dried.

Thank you God for my home, my bathtub and my brain that can still think just in delayed time..

Cheers and have the best day you can!

Marian