Having Less Doesn’t Mean You Are Less

Don’t confuse having less with being less, having more with being more, or what you have with who you are.

~ Beliefnet.com

Today I awoke sort of sobered. My fibro flared with summer storms and I had to figure out how to regulate my pain, mood, actions, etc. So even though I suffered much pain, it has been such a successful week as I figured out another nuance of staying in the normal range. I am so proud of myself and so grateful to my friends, my therapist and my doctors for how they listen to me, and support me while I am so motivated to work all this out with my new energy.

Despite being in pain and tired, I went to a high school football game last night- HOW FUN! I was in marching band 30 years ago, and all the sights and sounds were so fun, I didn't even feel my pain except a little on the metal bench (wishing I had brought a stadium seat with me). I was so proud of Liliana, a freshman playing flute, and Shannon, a freshman cheerleader- cheering in the stands for the varsity team. I have been invited to go to the freshman games so I can see Shannon cheer and keep coming to the varsity games to see Liliana march the halftimes. Sigh- no more stuck at home alone---AWESOME!

I am so open and smiley, as I walked up the aisle of the bleachers looking for my friends to sit with, 2 different people patted the bleacher and said you can sit here with us...! WHAT! This NEVER happens to me- I guess I am just radiating all these open, positive vibes and I was so so so grateful to them - one was a cute guy - what hope I got from that!

On top of all that, I was wearing my cool jeans, the ones I just got into after years of not fitting in any jeans, so I felt good and "normal."

So I awoke sobered, not manic, not depressed, just....and I did some housework awaiting the sunrise (can you even believe I am up this early?) so I could put on my tennis shoes and walk the trails after a good rain last night. The dust was all settled and the trails were better than ever- tons of birds and dragonflies and part of me feels like I am in the best good dream.

Have the best day and know there is hope for fun and love in a new day,

Marian

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."

Saint Francis de Sales

It rained last night, storming- would be a blessing for our drought but I am in such pain- my fibromyalgia rearing its ugly head, damn monster it is.

I wrote a friend to see if I can use her hot tub today and then it dawned on me- get thyself in the bathtub, fool. I interrupted this post to do just that and I cried from relief. Isn't it funny, in the middle of a "crisis" the clear thinking is just not there, or is out of reach. But I reached it writing this - whew!

I think I soaked for 30 minutes in Orange Ginger bath gel, bath salts and Epsom salts (just tried it all) and I still have a headache but my pain level is down to 4 from 8 and the tears are dried.

Thank you God for my home, my bathtub and my brain that can still think just in delayed time..

Cheers and have the best day you can!

Marian

One week later... more war, more progress, more JOY!

Well, how is everyone out there? I have been through a mess this week. But I handled it, and came through OK- very much changed, but OK. My morning walks are up to one full hour now - down the block into the neighborhood park and then into the trails for a religious experience in the Church of the redbird, the Blue Jay and the dragonflies. I pray and pray and pray for the safety of Brad in Baghdad, Trent, and David in Afghanistan. If I am lucky, I run into very enthusiastic joggers, bikers and hikers on the same trails and we get to grin at each other in the early morning sunrise time. To think I used to sleep sleep sleep my mornings away and this was what I was missing. I am so so so sore, yes. But I am putting that SSD backpay to good use with weekly massage, chiropractic adjustments and other physical therapy. I now attend 2 support groups- one 2-3 times a month and the other once a week.
**I just got into my jeans this morning** OMG does that make an old lady feel like a giddy gal! YIPPEE! I have lost a total of 30 pds since the start of my irTMS treatment June 1st. And now I have gotten some stamina and endurance and muscle going (love the way my arms are looking), the weight loss seems faster. My face and my stomach are still very swollen and large but I am still noticing small changes there as well. My self-esteem will be helped when I can like my face again! My cheeks are just so swollen- I forgot that all the times I was on steroids could have contributed to that change.

The Green Zone in Baghdad was attacked by rocket fire last night (another Tuesday attack) and Brad said it landed behind the U.S. Embassy. We guess since there are no casualties (thank GOD), there is no news of the event either. My sleep is disturbed by the stress of these attacks and the imminent danger that this dear friend is under, but boy is my prayer life taking off! I know I am lucky to have connected with another dear soul going through this journey and I need and must just take it day by day and be ever so grateful that he and the other troops there are unscathed.

My daily life is energetic, positive, and I am receiving many blessings on a daily basis.
I remain enthusiastic, I LOVE MY PASSION!, and I am so motivated to grab back all the life I missed for the last 10 years or so.

Cheers!

Marian Paul

p.s. Notice I updated my profile to show my real name. The reluctance to share my experience with others I know is fading and the paranoia of stigma or judgement is just melted away. God bless y'all.

Am I in the N zone? Brad in Iraq...

I hesitate to post right now, but I am compelled to document how I feel. I had some really crazy highs the last few weeks, but not unwarranted. Lots of big, good things were happening - in the last 30 days I have been granted disability retirement from the state with corresponding medical coverage for life (on their dime), my SS Disability was approved - all that back pay let me pay my folks back for floating me through the last year off work, I have had unsolicited "reunions" with old flames which freaks me out - these guys were my first loves from 8th and then 9th grade - one I saw in the airport on vacation, one wrote me on Facebook - very endearing reunions! Lots of love coming my way. There is more but I digress...

So then I get my first emotional challenge. I come back home from a doctor's appointment to see that Baghdad has been bombed with six truck bombs and the Green Zone had mortar attacks as well on August 19th. My online pen pal works for NATO in the Green Zone. No way, this is not happening. I was just at the lab telling how I am over the top happy. Now I am shaking, huge anxiety, crying, racing thoughts of the worst. I feel very alone, with no support, and I can't call anyone. How did I get back at old ways so fast? The only thing I could think to do was post on Facebook and 2 friends replied they would pray with me since I was going crazy to hear from Brad to know he was OK. So I sat at the computer, carried the phone with me room to room all day, huge anxiety, crying with worry, shaking at times - why didn't I think to call anyone?! I have resources, but I did not use them, other then FB. Finally Brad emailed me a short note of reassurance at 9:33 p.m. (5:33 a.m. Baghdad time) and I had a meltdown. Crying, angry, pissed off at all politicians and terrorists, crazy emotional reactions. Unfortunately I have not been able to just stand up, brush off and keep going. I have been tearing up, and having crying spells every 3-4 hours since then. Only sleeping about 3-4 hours at time. Napping in the daytime when I am tired. Very grouchy from lack of sleep as well. Yesterday I had huge road rage driving across town and back. I hope I didn't scare too many drivers; I was very aggressive on the road - so angry. He said, "I won't lie, it was VERY close." Building was damaged, but no injuries in the camp. OK, so this is time for gratitude - I mean I pray about one hour each morning for this man in Baghdad (AF), my step-son in Okinawa (Marines), and my cousin in Afghanistan (AF) and I really believe prayers works - for me to handle the anxiety and for them for safety and reassurance. So thank God he wasn't harmed (but 100 were killed and 500 injured in this one day in Baghdad) --- you know what I find really crazy? No one knows this - how awful it is - how big this incident was - everyone is just going along like we have no wars we are fighting. Pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I am so naive - I thought I was being so cute, writing a soldier in Iraq who was from my hometown - how cute, right? (sarcastic look on my face) Now I am a freakin' mess of nerves because I feel like this man is a part of my family; I know about his family, his 3 kids awaiting him here, and all the details of his life before he left and what he goes through there. If anything happens to him, I will be affected forever...I always thought of our developing friendship as part of my recovery, sharing with someone all about my illness and recovery. Well, maybe it is, right? I mean this is part of being human, going through all these major stressors. I guess I will make a therapy appointment, and keep careful inventory of my progress this week trying to recover from August 19th, 2009. I want to scream and cuss, throw things and hit something. I am so tired, I wonder when I read this later if it makes any sense whatsoever. Please God protect Brad, Trent, and David, my loved ones in harm's way, and protect all our troops serving our country - and let all violence and war stop, AMEN. Oh, and for me, please help me handle this stress without compromising my recovery...wah :-(

follow-up on hearing test

Hello all,

I went back to the lab and passed a follow-up hearing exam which I did poorly on the last day of treatment, YEA! So the hearing loss in my left ear near the stimulation site, has resolved. But as I said, I would rather be deaf then depressed, any day. It was wonderful to see the lab staff and reconnect after seeing them every work day for six weeks and then nothing until now. I shared with them this blog and my progress with my continued recovery.

I have lost 26 pounds as of today - am at 259 and feeling very strong (my high weight at the start of treatment was 285). I went to the fitness lab this morning for VO2 tests and metabolic tests to measure my caloric burning and optimal fat burning levels with exertion. Very interesting results. I have to work out at a very low heart rate of 95-112 to burn 100% fat. THAT IS SLOW. At 135 beats a minute I am complete anaerobic and burning 100% carbs. I am looking forward to working with Julia at JK Fitness to recover my physical health and feel better strength wise and also look better.

I am still really well. But suffering a lot of stress at times. Today I await word of my stepson, a Marine overseas- haven't had word from him in a week. My cousin is a munitions specialist in the hot zone of Afghanistan, as well as a pen pal who has become a good friend, who is in the green zone of Baghdad and it was bombed heavily today. I await news from him. The stress is very, very hard on me, but I am maintaining my health, which before would not have happened.

Good things have also rained on me about disability. I have been granted disability retirement from my employer and they will pay my medical insurance for life since I served there over 10 years. WOW! More medical treatment, here we come until I get really well and put together.

Cheers!

better now :-)

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.

Sir Winston Churchill

I wish the best to all of you, any of you reading this post. Any comment or reply I got from you made me cry and be so happy to be alive.

Please be so nice to yourself today and love yourself, despite how you may feel. I am learning to love myself again, and I AM IN LOVE! Haha!

weird day, no sleep

Well, I wondered if I would have any less than satisfactory news to report, and I have. I have been taking supplements and getting lipoburn/Vitamin B 12/B shots once a week by the internist/bariatrician for weight loss/energy to workout. Well we just started 2 x a week and I have started working out and losing weight on a modified Medifast type diet. I have been quite hyper in speech, movement, emails, etc. and I wondered if I was sort of spiraling up and would crash. I made the mistake of taking a Vitamin D gel (1.25 mg) and a DHEA tablet at the same time this morning. I kept reading about taking DHEA for fibromyalgia. When I worked out twice as long, was not sleepy for my afternoon nap (I nap if I awaken before 7 or 8 a.m. and this morning I rose at 4:30 a.m.) and then got more and more restless when late evening came, I knew I was in trouble. I looked up DHEA and it is an Anabolic Steroid. Oh wow. When will I come down, is the question? My eyes are so tired but my body is raring to go, and I am up 23 hours straight now. I think no more DHEA for me! I wonder how I will recover from this weird stint now...Other than this anomaly, I have been extremely happy, smiling all the time, and crying at least once a day when overcome with gratitude and relief from such wonderful normal happy energy day to day. I am using music a lot to enhance my mood or sustain energy to work out, as well.

appt with internist/bariatrics

I went to another f/up appt with a bariatrician in San Antonio. I was so active my 9 days in Michigan, I expected a huge wt. loss. Nope. Gained 1 pound. Now wait a minute- I waslked the beach at sunrise, sunset in between, canoed twice, was very active. Then I ate mostly vegetarian and only ate out 4 times the whole 9 days- 2 times was eggs for breakfast, once was bad- a Rueben with clam chowder, and then a spinach calzone (I had half).

So, I asked to be measured- Ouila! 10 inches have melted off my big body. 1 at the neck, 1 off each upper arm, 3 in the hips, 1 off the bust, then small amounts from calf, lower arm....It all adds up! I was vindicated- I knew I did really well while on vacation- I haven't exercised that hard in many years. Now I have a seminar on Saturday to get info on the gastric sleeve surgery since my BMI is still at 43 (not good). I am also going to work on my skin (remove the age spots and extra pigmentation) and then my teeth. It is amazing how you want to take care of yourself when you are not depressed. Cheers!