I hesitate to post right now, but I am compelled to document how I feel. I had some really crazy highs the last few weeks, but not unwarranted. Lots of big, good things were happening - in the last 30 days I have been granted disability retirement from the state with corresponding medical coverage for life (on their dime), my SS Disability was approved - all that back pay let me pay my folks back for floating me through the last year off work, I have had unsolicited "reunions" with old flames which freaks me out - these guys were my first loves from 8th and then 9th grade - one I saw in the airport on vacation, one wrote me on Facebook - very endearing reunions! Lots of love coming my way. There is more but I digress...
So then I get my first emotional challenge. I come back home from a doctor's appointment to see that Baghdad has been bombed with six truck bombs and the Green Zone had mortar attacks as well on August 19th. My online pen pal works for NATO in the Green Zone. No way, this is not happening. I was just at the lab telling how I am over the top happy. Now I am shaking, huge anxiety, crying, racing thoughts of the worst. I feel very alone, with no support, and I can't call anyone. How did I get back at old ways so fast? The only thing I could think to do was post on Facebook and 2 friends replied they would pray with me since I was going crazy to hear from Brad to know he was OK. So I sat at the computer, carried the phone with me room to room all day, huge anxiety, crying with worry, shaking at times - why didn't I think to call anyone?! I have resources, but I did not use them, other then FB. Finally Brad emailed me a short note of reassurance at 9:33 p.m. (5:33 a.m. Baghdad time) and I had a meltdown. Crying, angry, pissed off at all politicians and terrorists, crazy emotional reactions. Unfortunately I have not been able to just stand up, brush off and keep going. I have been tearing up, and having crying spells every 3-4 hours since then. Only sleeping about 3-4 hours at time. Napping in the daytime when I am tired. Very grouchy from lack of sleep as well. Yesterday I had huge road rage driving across town and back. I hope I didn't scare too many drivers; I was very aggressive on the road - so angry. He said, "I won't lie, it was VERY close." Building was damaged, but no injuries in the camp. OK, so this is time for gratitude - I mean I pray about one hour each morning for this man in Baghdad (AF), my step-son in Okinawa (Marines), and my cousin in Afghanistan (AF) and I really believe prayers works - for me to handle the anxiety and for them for safety and reassurance. So thank God he wasn't harmed (but 100 were killed and 500 injured in this one day in Baghdad) --- you know what I find really crazy? No one knows this - how awful it is - how big this incident was - everyone is just going along like we have no wars we are fighting. Pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I am so naive - I thought I was being so cute, writing a soldier in Iraq who was from my hometown - how cute, right? (sarcastic look on my face) Now I am a freakin' mess of nerves because I feel like this man is a part of my family; I know about his family, his 3 kids awaiting him here, and all the details of his life before he left and what he goes through there. If anything happens to him, I will be affected forever...I always thought of our developing friendship as part of my recovery, sharing with someone all about my illness and recovery. Well, maybe it is, right? I mean this is part of being human, going through all these major stressors. I guess I will make a therapy appointment, and keep careful inventory of my progress this week trying to recover from August 19th, 2009. I want to scream and cuss, throw things and hit something. I am so tired, I wonder when I read this later if it makes any sense whatsoever. Please God protect Brad, Trent, and David, my loved ones in harm's way, and protect all our troops serving our country - and let all violence and war stop, AMEN. Oh, and for me, please help me handle this stress without compromising my recovery...wah :-(
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