Updates

I have struggled the last few weeks and realize that the depression is coming back.

I did start the new therapy with Dr. Truitt's Neurodiagnostic Lab- called frequency specific microcurrent. It is run with varying protocols, like for pain from fibromyalgia, adrenal support, adrenal calming, depression, sleep, etc. and I am pleasantly surprised to say it has cut my pain almost in half at least. But despite the pain reduction, the slippery slope of depression has begun. I was referred to a private TMS doctor in town who called me back and will set up a screening appointment this week and says I am welcome to get maintenance treatment with him beginning November 15th. I am seriously considering taking Pristiq for these 2-3 weeks but just cannot make a decision. My symptoms are hypersomnulence but also trouble sleeping all night, last week I cried a lot - the type of crying that washes my brain in depression and leaves me more depressed after crying - not the welcome release I was having before. I also cannot concentrate, I have a flat affect despite exciting things - like meeting my long awaited pen pal friend just back from Baghdad, Iraq. YEA! Thank God he got back to his kids safely, I am eternally grateful for his service and to God for protecting him.

Still undecided about treatment...going to just try the praying, keep thinking positively route until other details come up.

Take care, Marian

I haven't posted in awhile. First let me talk about my picture. I planted a small raised organic garden in June and these are the baby carrots I just pulled up this morning...there is a mess of them, they smell good, they taste good and I am like a little kid, so excited to have followed through on my garden dream and have these veggies to eat all these months later!

I am struggling - too much stress, but mostly TOO MUCH PAIN and the pain has been my undoing. We finally broke our severe drought in central Texas but though that is good, or great, my FMS pain is back with a roar with each emerging storm system and everytime the barometric pressure changes I am raw with intense pain from head to toe. This pain now, as in the past, just zaps all my brain chemicals and puts me on the deadly spiral to depression. I had to drop a class a month ago, have to drop another and am left with one online class to keep my brain going, my cognitive functions alive, if IF I can even do that one!

I have a referral to a new neurologist that has a new e-stim brain method for pain relief- so I await that call-back tomorrow.

My psychiatrist says I have pre-depression dementia - not ADD like I thought - can't read, can't tell you what I read, can't think, can't get anything done, house is a disaster area...

Can't even do this post much longer!

I called the UTHSCSA and spoke to the TMS research doctor. She will call me tomorrow as well about what to do for maintenance irTMS treatments. I could go on the anti-depressants now but if I alleviate the pain, I feel pretty good - so I am going that route for now. Still doing all the non- medicine route of pain relief I can every single week - massage, chiropractic adjustments, Tai Chi, relaxation and working out every single day! I am using Biofreeze on what hurts, taking Advil gels, Tramadol, and Skelaxin as needed... Also using my tens unit occasionally. Having some emotional bouts here and there which don't feel so much like relief anymore, they tend to wash my brain in sadness, leaving me very sobered. I tear up when I think of my daughter, for example- missing her a lot. When I feel depression coming on, my old habits were to travel, get away - fly to Boulder to see her, fly out of state to see friends, or family. I feel like that now - ESCAPE - fly away- take a trip....

Take care. I am gonna fight this SO HARD!

Marian

Still grateful, crying times, and men.

Well, long time since I posted. I was sort of on hold waiting for Brad to get back in touch. Yes, I was a little obsessed about it.

He finally did send an email on Labor Day, Sept. 7th, that reached me around 4 p.m. that day that he was OK. His whole unit had to move to another FOB (Forward Operating Base) Union III and give back the headquarters they were using for NATO to the Iraqi Security Forces. All their communications were down for weeks and he was working really long shifts every day without a break. I need to manage this stressful situation. I was proud of myself because I realized I need to protect myself from this kind of extreme stress and worry, and so I wrote him to help with it, and not tell me all the details of rocket attacks and proximity of bombs to their building and damages and all that worrisome war stuff! But what happened was, he sent one really nice email that listed fun things to do at the beach to celebrate my life and to recharge and then I have no more emails from him at all. Sigh.

So I went on an awesome Beach Retreat with 30 ladies from my church and yes it was renewing. I have attached pictures here which show some of Brad's list- like feeding the seagulls, building a sand castle, listening to the surf, and all those delightful surfside activities.

I have been corresponding with a guy from high school that I saw again when I visited Michigan this summer. He recently got harsh with me about being stagnant in my life and not knowing everything about me and my depression (who knows all this about us? we only reveal what we want to those around us right?) he sort of lost patience with me and wrote to me,

"...you are a grown woman who will always come up with some kinda excuse not to do what you want, how close do you live by your parents?, get outta the f*&^@$% box before the lid slams down and they throw f*bomb dirt on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then 15 years from now you will be whining that you shoulda done this or that- how pathetic, you don't need anyone to make you happy, you are happy."

Sigh - BREATHE - needless to say, I cried for hours, wondered how I invited this tirade against me, and then proceeded to contact him by phone to not only rage back against such strong words of criticism, but also to explain that he didn't realize what depths of depression I had been in and how many brave steps I had taken this year and how much I have done to regain lost time in my life. For someone who had suicidal ideation for a year, the coffin analogy went straight to the brain, the heart, and soul and everytime I read it, I just leak tears. He crossed the line with me, I told him, he knows it, he apologized, he explained he was trying to shock me out of complacency (WHAT complacency?), and now he texts me each day, "are you OK?", "are you OK?". Well, I am OK, but I am crying more, I do feel stressed, and confused. I am SO scared of regression and feel SO defensive of my recovery - I don't want to get on meds again since they have such mixed results for me. Did I say before that my internist did put me on 5-ATP for these stress signs I was showing in her office? Heavy sigh...

What is on my mind right now is that I can retreat in my house again, and protect myself and my recovery, but what living is that? Writing to my pen pal Brad in Iraq has been a blessing and a great expansion of my heart (and my prayer life) - so, his well-being stresses me out - I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO MANAGE WORRY. And my friend from high school, he loves me enough to push me to live more. He listened, as Brad did, about my health worries and has understood and backed off. Hmmm, yeah these guys stress me out A LOT! But lookie! I have men in my life who care about me - yes, from a distance- Iraq and Michigan - but last year and many years before that - I was without anyone caring about me. What a miracle! LOL!

Life is SO full of surprises - PLEASE, don't miss it!

All my love, Marian

p.s. I am having pain and fibrofog from my fibromyalgia - I could not remember how to post a picture, how strange and frustrating. Then I remembered all the sudden- so weird! lol

VIDEO: Depression forces MP out

VIDEO: Depression forces MP out

Shared via AddThis

Hello again

Good morning,

Here is a picture of my pen pal turned good friend, Brad, TDY for 6 months in the Green Zone, Baghdad, Iraq (8 weeks to go). Mid- August they had lots of fire coming in from the insurgents, and I last heard from him on Aug. 26th.

Lots of prayers, and crossing of fingers and well-wishes that he come home to his 3 kids here.

BE SAFE BRAD!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

Thich Nhat Hanh

I am pretty stressed out - praying a lot, not wanting to compromise my recovery whatsoever. I am a little incredulous that in one week it has only been 2 months since my last TMS session. That seems like a season ago, you know? Lots of heavy living in this last few months. I guess I am trying to make up for lots of lost time, but I can feel a danger of burning out as I overwhelm and overdo. I am back in school for Library Science, trying to be a full-time student and taking 3 classes- whew- so much reading and little concentration to do so. Little retention of what I read as well so I have to repeat read a lot. I have volunteered to restart the Singles of St. Pius group at my church (I used to run it 10 years ago before I got so depressed and fibroed out). I now write articles on depression for the Examiner.com - my title there is San Antonio Depression Examiner. And I am just active everyday- going to church, movies with friends, support group Visa to Health every Tuesday, FMS support group every other Saturday- WHEW! From bed and house bound to running around doing a lot!

On the physical side, I am down to 255 pds from my high of 285 (my weight on the first day of TMS), am working out almost everyday now and am watching what I eat for sure. I use meal replacements like USANA or Medifast 1-3 meals a day and eat mostly meat and veggies and fruit for the other meals. I am taking supplements like 5-HTP, Calcium Magnesium, Fish Oil, Red Yeast Rice, and GlucoThera, Vit. D, trying to correct blood sugar, cholesteral. I lost 10 inches off my large frame in July and 9 inches in August and finally folks see a change and mention I look better. I certainly feel better, and slimmer than I look!

Emotionally I am crying at least daily, which worries me (and leads to more crying!) but I get feedback that anyone under these circumstances would also be crying from the stress. At this point the crying does not depress me as it did pre-TMS. Right now I feel high anxiety which builds and overflows into crying and then I feel SO much better and continue on. It used to feel like a wash of depression on my brain and I would get worse after crying. This feels like a release and a relief and my good mood restores after I cry. Sometimes my crying is a prayer of thanksgiving because I do feel so much better, am coping well and am living so much day by day I am amazed!

So I am putting into practice what I learned in Psychology- behavior affects attitude. I am smiling and letting it make me feel better. I am going out to events, talking about Bradley and my cousin David in Afghanistan, keeping up my almost daily walks on the trails of the park (still working on getting the photos off my phone), accepting invitations to join friends, attending the CineMujer film festival, and buying a meal for a hungry man just out of prison (now THAT was quite a meal we shared- what a blessing to meet Charles yesterday).

I feel full - full of life and I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Cheers,

Marian

Having Less Doesn’t Mean You Are Less

Don’t confuse having less with being less, having more with being more, or what you have with who you are.

~ Beliefnet.com

Today I awoke sort of sobered. My fibro flared with summer storms and I had to figure out how to regulate my pain, mood, actions, etc. So even though I suffered much pain, it has been such a successful week as I figured out another nuance of staying in the normal range. I am so proud of myself and so grateful to my friends, my therapist and my doctors for how they listen to me, and support me while I am so motivated to work all this out with my new energy.

Despite being in pain and tired, I went to a high school football game last night- HOW FUN! I was in marching band 30 years ago, and all the sights and sounds were so fun, I didn't even feel my pain except a little on the metal bench (wishing I had brought a stadium seat with me). I was so proud of Liliana, a freshman playing flute, and Shannon, a freshman cheerleader- cheering in the stands for the varsity team. I have been invited to go to the freshman games so I can see Shannon cheer and keep coming to the varsity games to see Liliana march the halftimes. Sigh- no more stuck at home alone---AWESOME!

I am so open and smiley, as I walked up the aisle of the bleachers looking for my friends to sit with, 2 different people patted the bleacher and said you can sit here with us...! WHAT! This NEVER happens to me- I guess I am just radiating all these open, positive vibes and I was so so so grateful to them - one was a cute guy - what hope I got from that!

On top of all that, I was wearing my cool jeans, the ones I just got into after years of not fitting in any jeans, so I felt good and "normal."

So I awoke sobered, not manic, not depressed, just....and I did some housework awaiting the sunrise (can you even believe I am up this early?) so I could put on my tennis shoes and walk the trails after a good rain last night. The dust was all settled and the trails were better than ever- tons of birds and dragonflies and part of me feels like I am in the best good dream.

Have the best day and know there is hope for fun and love in a new day,

Marian

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."

Saint Francis de Sales

It rained last night, storming- would be a blessing for our drought but I am in such pain- my fibromyalgia rearing its ugly head, damn monster it is.

I wrote a friend to see if I can use her hot tub today and then it dawned on me- get thyself in the bathtub, fool. I interrupted this post to do just that and I cried from relief. Isn't it funny, in the middle of a "crisis" the clear thinking is just not there, or is out of reach. But I reached it writing this - whew!

I think I soaked for 30 minutes in Orange Ginger bath gel, bath salts and Epsom salts (just tried it all) and I still have a headache but my pain level is down to 4 from 8 and the tears are dried.

Thank you God for my home, my bathtub and my brain that can still think just in delayed time..

Cheers and have the best day you can!

Marian

One week later... more war, more progress, more JOY!

Well, how is everyone out there? I have been through a mess this week. But I handled it, and came through OK- very much changed, but OK. My morning walks are up to one full hour now - down the block into the neighborhood park and then into the trails for a religious experience in the Church of the redbird, the Blue Jay and the dragonflies. I pray and pray and pray for the safety of Brad in Baghdad, Trent, and David in Afghanistan. If I am lucky, I run into very enthusiastic joggers, bikers and hikers on the same trails and we get to grin at each other in the early morning sunrise time. To think I used to sleep sleep sleep my mornings away and this was what I was missing. I am so so so sore, yes. But I am putting that SSD backpay to good use with weekly massage, chiropractic adjustments and other physical therapy. I now attend 2 support groups- one 2-3 times a month and the other once a week.
**I just got into my jeans this morning** OMG does that make an old lady feel like a giddy gal! YIPPEE! I have lost a total of 30 pds since the start of my irTMS treatment June 1st. And now I have gotten some stamina and endurance and muscle going (love the way my arms are looking), the weight loss seems faster. My face and my stomach are still very swollen and large but I am still noticing small changes there as well. My self-esteem will be helped when I can like my face again! My cheeks are just so swollen- I forgot that all the times I was on steroids could have contributed to that change.

The Green Zone in Baghdad was attacked by rocket fire last night (another Tuesday attack) and Brad said it landed behind the U.S. Embassy. We guess since there are no casualties (thank GOD), there is no news of the event either. My sleep is disturbed by the stress of these attacks and the imminent danger that this dear friend is under, but boy is my prayer life taking off! I know I am lucky to have connected with another dear soul going through this journey and I need and must just take it day by day and be ever so grateful that he and the other troops there are unscathed.

My daily life is energetic, positive, and I am receiving many blessings on a daily basis.
I remain enthusiastic, I LOVE MY PASSION!, and I am so motivated to grab back all the life I missed for the last 10 years or so.

Cheers!

Marian Paul

p.s. Notice I updated my profile to show my real name. The reluctance to share my experience with others I know is fading and the paranoia of stigma or judgement is just melted away. God bless y'all.

Am I in the N zone? Brad in Iraq...

I hesitate to post right now, but I am compelled to document how I feel. I had some really crazy highs the last few weeks, but not unwarranted. Lots of big, good things were happening - in the last 30 days I have been granted disability retirement from the state with corresponding medical coverage for life (on their dime), my SS Disability was approved - all that back pay let me pay my folks back for floating me through the last year off work, I have had unsolicited "reunions" with old flames which freaks me out - these guys were my first loves from 8th and then 9th grade - one I saw in the airport on vacation, one wrote me on Facebook - very endearing reunions! Lots of love coming my way. There is more but I digress...

So then I get my first emotional challenge. I come back home from a doctor's appointment to see that Baghdad has been bombed with six truck bombs and the Green Zone had mortar attacks as well on August 19th. My online pen pal works for NATO in the Green Zone. No way, this is not happening. I was just at the lab telling how I am over the top happy. Now I am shaking, huge anxiety, crying, racing thoughts of the worst. I feel very alone, with no support, and I can't call anyone. How did I get back at old ways so fast? The only thing I could think to do was post on Facebook and 2 friends replied they would pray with me since I was going crazy to hear from Brad to know he was OK. So I sat at the computer, carried the phone with me room to room all day, huge anxiety, crying with worry, shaking at times - why didn't I think to call anyone?! I have resources, but I did not use them, other then FB. Finally Brad emailed me a short note of reassurance at 9:33 p.m. (5:33 a.m. Baghdad time) and I had a meltdown. Crying, angry, pissed off at all politicians and terrorists, crazy emotional reactions. Unfortunately I have not been able to just stand up, brush off and keep going. I have been tearing up, and having crying spells every 3-4 hours since then. Only sleeping about 3-4 hours at time. Napping in the daytime when I am tired. Very grouchy from lack of sleep as well. Yesterday I had huge road rage driving across town and back. I hope I didn't scare too many drivers; I was very aggressive on the road - so angry. He said, "I won't lie, it was VERY close." Building was damaged, but no injuries in the camp. OK, so this is time for gratitude - I mean I pray about one hour each morning for this man in Baghdad (AF), my step-son in Okinawa (Marines), and my cousin in Afghanistan (AF) and I really believe prayers works - for me to handle the anxiety and for them for safety and reassurance. So thank God he wasn't harmed (but 100 were killed and 500 injured in this one day in Baghdad) --- you know what I find really crazy? No one knows this - how awful it is - how big this incident was - everyone is just going along like we have no wars we are fighting. Pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I am so naive - I thought I was being so cute, writing a soldier in Iraq who was from my hometown - how cute, right? (sarcastic look on my face) Now I am a freakin' mess of nerves because I feel like this man is a part of my family; I know about his family, his 3 kids awaiting him here, and all the details of his life before he left and what he goes through there. If anything happens to him, I will be affected forever...I always thought of our developing friendship as part of my recovery, sharing with someone all about my illness and recovery. Well, maybe it is, right? I mean this is part of being human, going through all these major stressors. I guess I will make a therapy appointment, and keep careful inventory of my progress this week trying to recover from August 19th, 2009. I want to scream and cuss, throw things and hit something. I am so tired, I wonder when I read this later if it makes any sense whatsoever. Please God protect Brad, Trent, and David, my loved ones in harm's way, and protect all our troops serving our country - and let all violence and war stop, AMEN. Oh, and for me, please help me handle this stress without compromising my recovery...wah :-(

follow-up on hearing test

Hello all,

I went back to the lab and passed a follow-up hearing exam which I did poorly on the last day of treatment, YEA! So the hearing loss in my left ear near the stimulation site, has resolved. But as I said, I would rather be deaf then depressed, any day. It was wonderful to see the lab staff and reconnect after seeing them every work day for six weeks and then nothing until now. I shared with them this blog and my progress with my continued recovery.

I have lost 26 pounds as of today - am at 259 and feeling very strong (my high weight at the start of treatment was 285). I went to the fitness lab this morning for VO2 tests and metabolic tests to measure my caloric burning and optimal fat burning levels with exertion. Very interesting results. I have to work out at a very low heart rate of 95-112 to burn 100% fat. THAT IS SLOW. At 135 beats a minute I am complete anaerobic and burning 100% carbs. I am looking forward to working with Julia at JK Fitness to recover my physical health and feel better strength wise and also look better.

I am still really well. But suffering a lot of stress at times. Today I await word of my stepson, a Marine overseas- haven't had word from him in a week. My cousin is a munitions specialist in the hot zone of Afghanistan, as well as a pen pal who has become a good friend, who is in the green zone of Baghdad and it was bombed heavily today. I await news from him. The stress is very, very hard on me, but I am maintaining my health, which before would not have happened.

Good things have also rained on me about disability. I have been granted disability retirement from my employer and they will pay my medical insurance for life since I served there over 10 years. WOW! More medical treatment, here we come until I get really well and put together.

Cheers!

better now :-)

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.

Sir Winston Churchill

I wish the best to all of you, any of you reading this post. Any comment or reply I got from you made me cry and be so happy to be alive.

Please be so nice to yourself today and love yourself, despite how you may feel. I am learning to love myself again, and I AM IN LOVE! Haha!

weird day, no sleep

Well, I wondered if I would have any less than satisfactory news to report, and I have. I have been taking supplements and getting lipoburn/Vitamin B 12/B shots once a week by the internist/bariatrician for weight loss/energy to workout. Well we just started 2 x a week and I have started working out and losing weight on a modified Medifast type diet. I have been quite hyper in speech, movement, emails, etc. and I wondered if I was sort of spiraling up and would crash. I made the mistake of taking a Vitamin D gel (1.25 mg) and a DHEA tablet at the same time this morning. I kept reading about taking DHEA for fibromyalgia. When I worked out twice as long, was not sleepy for my afternoon nap (I nap if I awaken before 7 or 8 a.m. and this morning I rose at 4:30 a.m.) and then got more and more restless when late evening came, I knew I was in trouble. I looked up DHEA and it is an Anabolic Steroid. Oh wow. When will I come down, is the question? My eyes are so tired but my body is raring to go, and I am up 23 hours straight now. I think no more DHEA for me! I wonder how I will recover from this weird stint now...Other than this anomaly, I have been extremely happy, smiling all the time, and crying at least once a day when overcome with gratitude and relief from such wonderful normal happy energy day to day. I am using music a lot to enhance my mood or sustain energy to work out, as well.

appt with internist/bariatrics

I went to another f/up appt with a bariatrician in San Antonio. I was so active my 9 days in Michigan, I expected a huge wt. loss. Nope. Gained 1 pound. Now wait a minute- I waslked the beach at sunrise, sunset in between, canoed twice, was very active. Then I ate mostly vegetarian and only ate out 4 times the whole 9 days- 2 times was eggs for breakfast, once was bad- a Rueben with clam chowder, and then a spinach calzone (I had half).

So, I asked to be measured- Ouila! 10 inches have melted off my big body. 1 at the neck, 1 off each upper arm, 3 in the hips, 1 off the bust, then small amounts from calf, lower arm....It all adds up! I was vindicated- I knew I did really well while on vacation- I haven't exercised that hard in many years. Now I have a seminar on Saturday to get info on the gastric sleeve surgery since my BMI is still at 43 (not good). I am also going to work on my skin (remove the age spots and extra pigmentation) and then my teeth. It is amazing how you want to take care of yourself when you are not depressed. Cheers!

better pic after caught in rain on walk at sunset

normal life, healed living

I am in an old hometown, Oscoda, Michigan. Haven't been here for 29 years and it fits me like a glove. I got emotional driving up the NE coast coming here. I have a few days by myself and with friends before my daughter joins me for the last part of my vacation week. We have never had a vacation together where I wasn't sick or flared up, tired and depressed (very limited). I cannot wait for her to see me. I haven't weighed myself in a week but I swam laps 2 times last week and started little walks. My clothes are looser and looser and my brain thinks I am like a size 16- really I am a 20 coming down from a 24. Today, my 2nd day here, I woke with the first light around 6 a.m. and walked on the beach outside my cabin on the shore of Lake Huron. My only company was 2 gulls and the sound of the waves beating on the shore. The sunrise was all pink and glorious and I FEEL SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!

2nd day after end of TMS treatment

Howdy,

This is Sunday, July 12, 2009, the second day after my last irTMS treatment. At the end of treatment I did some memory tests that I had completed prior to treatment, and I was much improved on those. My hearing test was another matter. I had a significant hearing loss in my left ear, which is the side of the treatment. I think that definitely the result is part from being tested immediately after treatment. Perhaps I hear better after a time? So, we will repeat the hearing test in about 2-4 weeks. If I have pervasive hearing loss in the left ear from treatment, so be it! It was well worth it! But that is yet to be seen.

So, the question is - how long do I have in the N-Zone? The normal zone that is...

last week of TMS treatment countdown

Well, yesterday began my last week of the 6 weeks of irTMS treatment. Today is day 4 counting down to end date on Friday July 10th. I am a little nervous about the end of treatment. Lots of questions about how I will be without the daily stimulation sessions. Will I get out of bed so easily? I think my favorite thing about all the changes is the "correction" of my sleep pattern. I love falling into bed around 11 p.m. really tired and ready to sleep, and then sleep really hard until, when I open my eyes, the sun is coming up around 7 a.m. And also knowing I will have the energy to create a full day ahead of me, is awesome! I won't miss the pain in my back from the table, nor the stressful drive across town to the Health Science Center and back. It has been so time consuming, taking almost half a day Mon-Fri for all these weeks. BUT, what did I have but time on my hands, so ill, I couldn't do much. Now all the possibilities are just stretched out before me.

Blessings,

Marian

List of Changes

When I started TMS changes were felt almost immediately. Here is a list that I recall from the beginning to now:

• awoke earlier the first week - around 10 and then 9 a.m. as the first week progressed (always slept past noon before). Each week I woke up without an alarm one hour earlier than the previous week- I am up by 6:30 a.m. now (earlier than I wish) and up at 3:00 a.m. this morning raring to go (which is weird). I get tired around 10 a.m. and usually take a rest, if I can. I will probably need a nap today, waking so early. I went to sleep at 11 p.m. so that is only 4 hours sleep!
  

• had a huge decrease in carbohydrate sugar cravings (could not even force myself to eat my nightly ice cream with chocolate syrup) and developed cravings for salad, veggies and soups. I do crave carb veggies and fruits and starches though. Rice and beans sound so good everyday, and pasta and corn, I just only have a few a day so I can continue to drop some weight.

• mood changes were interesting to observe in myself - as i remember going through all kinds of agitation, anger, aggression on the way down to sadness and despair of depression, I emerged the same way! Week 3 I was almost road raging on the highway, "get outta my way, stupid!" I was having conflicts with merchants and finding much wrong with things in stores, getting mad about everything! I was a little nervous I would be stuck in that aggressive, angry stage, but I came out of it after 2 weeks, and I feel calmer, confident, tolerant, kinder on the road (except when I get cut off, I hate that!). Let me clarify, I wasn't angry all the time, just when provoked - and there is a lot of conflict out there to be provoked about! I was very cognizant of it and was observing in myself how I was reacting and I was actively trying to calm down and rationalize and deal with it. What I love about the space I am in right now - I have pain, fatigue, stress, but I CAN DEAL WITH IT!
  

Amazing News/Maintenance

So one of the researchers approached the principal investigator, Dr. Fox at the UTHSCSA, about my quest to get maintenance TMS (and not revert at all). She said that he didn't even let her finish her question, he said YES they would pursue changing the protocol to include providing maintenance for me and the other subjects if/when we find we are getting depressive symptoms again. It helps that the treatment I am getting in the study is irTMS, not just rTMS which is what is out there now for treatment. My treatment is image directed, rapid TMS, and I guess the practitioners are not using the image directed. Basically the location of the coil is placed against my head directed by an MRI image of my head which is fit by a digital cap image taken every time I go. They use a digital pen and outline my scalp and then fit the "cap" image on my brain image to get the target as exact as they can each time.

ANYWAY, I am kind of in shock about the good news. I feel I can relax and not worry and plan my future without a worrisome relapse ahead of me. All I can think of lately is making some kind of prioritized list of things to do while I am as well as I am. Aside: I still have my fibromyalgia symptoms pretty strongly, although I feel pretty sure the pain level is much lower than before. I have been able to exercise starting this week - ahead of this, just getting out of bed, taking a shower, washing my hair, getting dressed, driving across town was just a HUGE improvement and increase in my activity. Yesterday I went to Blossom Pool and swam laps for 20 minutes - so sore now. I am not kidding, I was smiling in the water as I used my body - it felt so good. I have an appointment with an internist, Dr. Tamyra Rogers, for weight loss help later today. I have already been doing a modified Medifast diet with her for a week now and have lost 5 pds (I was eating a lot of carbs before TMS). THE FUTURE LOOKS SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR SHADES!

garden photos - emerging life

exciting news

I looked up TMS on google and found a clinic in Texas, Dallas, Lewisville, to be exact, called the Agape Mind Center. My thoughts are, that I am feeling so good (like I did when I was 25, or something, way before any illness struck) I cannot accept going back into depression and I have to find a way to have maintenance TMS treatments to stave off any depression that may come in the future. So I brought this info to the attn of the doctor/principle investigator of the study, and she said, "Do you want to go to Dallas for maintenance?' and I replied well if I have to - I was willing to go to Atlanta or South Carolina if I have to. So she says, I can look into adding to the grant/study to provide treatment f/up and when any signs of depression return, offer you maintenance treatments here at the Health Science Center. OMG, are you serious!? I am so excited! I have now lost a total of 10 pds - the last 9 mos homebound added 40 pds to me and I was already at 240!!! All my labs just went from normal levels in March to high bp, high glucose, high liver enzymes and high triglycerides. Yep, eating and sleeping for 9 mos will do that to you. So the 10 pd wt loss is great. I am ready to move - swim laps, walk (too hot out now in Texas- but I could go to a cooled mall) and workout. I want to be working out at least 20 mins a day before the TMS ends in July 10th. I am so happy it is like a miracle. THANKS for the well wishes Scott and the prompt to post on the blog!

Qualified for bonus 3 weeks TMS

Well, I have been so, SO well, I have been too busy living, and making up for past existing, that I have neglected the blog.

I aced my depression scales (no depression) and qualified for the 3 addtl weeks of TMS treatment. There is now no pain at sessions, just an aggravation/irritant at the stim. site and my back spasms to the hardness of the table.

Each day I get the TMS now, I feel SO energized, it is a exhilirating and exciting - I keep piling on what I do each day so I get VERY tired and fall into bed after 11 just so good and tired. I woke up at 6:30 a.m. and made myself lay and rest until 7:20 a.m. and am just delighted to find myself emerge into wakefullness. I haven't felt that way in 8-9 years, and been taking Concerta and Provigil before that to feel awake enough to get up out of bed. SIGH heavy happy sigh***

I have 2 weeks of TMS left - I am getting the results of my stress test today and my prescription for exercise on Friday. I started the medifast diet a week ago and will be well into my exercise regimen before the TMS ends. I actually wake feeling the urge to walk, swim, etc. I cannot wait to start moving my body.

Last night, I did a lot of TMS research and found a clinic in TEXAS! In Dallas at the Agape Mind Center, they do NueroStar TMS...thank GOD! I definitely want to do maintenance TMS if I start getting depressed again. This "normal" feels so good, I cannot imagine going back, even just a little bit. It is like having an emotional reunion with your dearest friend - that is how coming out of my treatment-resistant depression feels like. :o)

Next to last day of 3 weeks of TMS

Today was so easy, little to no pain, at all. I handled a LOT of stress the last couple of days, and felt very normal about it. Just a little tired but not overwhelmed (just whelmed!).

Tomorrow I will go to the Be Well Center and do all the exit tests, and if I qualify by showing a certain significant level of improvement, I will continue for 3 more weeks of treatment (without all the study protocol).

NO headaches, good sleep, even with lots of anxiety about my cardiac health (see other entry). I did have an anxiety dream like I used to have but I went to bed worried about my cardiac tests. Many thanks to my great friends who talk me down, call and text and email to check on me, and let me know they love me.

Garden one month later

I have 5 tomatoes on one plant despite the word here that it is too hot and too late in the growing season to get any fruit to "set". My roma-grape tomato plant has only just gotten flowers that hopefully will produce fruit. The zucchini plant has gone wild and doubled in size in the last week and a half. Many seedlings continue to emerge and I am still needing to space them out. It has been over 100 deg here for a week now and even the early morning/late evening is still too hot for me to be out and doing that.

The thought of organic home grown veggies is SO appealing to me!

1st week to 3rd week of TMS

Sorry I didn't post here for so long. After the first week, I was dealing with headaches, my Mom being sick, and 2 graduate online classes starting.

I dodged the headaches for 6 days but then on Sunday I had a killer all-day headache that brought me to tears. I had to call a massage therapist I used to use a year ago to fit me in since I was in so much pain. Nothing touched this headache, not ibuprofen, Ultram or Skelaxin which are the meds I am allowed in the TMS study. But after a tearful hour massage, I was ok by the end of day so I slept ok.

My Mom was getting really sick at this point, but when she needed to go to the ER on Monday, I had the dreaded headache again and had to take meds and lay down for a few hours before I could join my Mom in the hospital. Grad school had started at this point, and the stress was big and I had eye strain from reading online and the textbooks.

The doctor changed my meds to act as a prophylactic and ward off the pain. I started on 800 mg Ibuprofen 3 times a day and that is working like a charm.

To the researchers, the headaches are a good sign but I haven't asked why yet. It shows some kind of memory of the TMS and means it is working, I guess.

The treatment is uncomfortable- more for my back and right arm and neck than for the treatment site or the pain of the treatment itself. But WHO CARES? It is working!

My sleep cycle is normal for the first time in YEARS - can't even remember how long it has been since I rose on my own before 8 am and got sleepy and fell asleep without help before midnight.

2nd week revealed a pattern - The first of the 75 trains of treatment was mild- like a 5/10 on pain, then the 2nd and 3rd would be the strongest - 8/10, then they would play music on Pandora Radio and I would settle into the next 72 jolts at a steady 3-5 out of 10 in pain. As the pain goes up on my back and neck from being restrained, my pain goes down on the treatment site on the left side of my head.

The strength I am getting is 125% at 10Hz, so 10 jolts a second for 4 seconds followed by 26 seconds of rest (there is NO pain or anything during that rest time). At the end of this week, I will have completed 3 weeks of TMS treatment and that concludes the data for their study. Today I have an appointment with the psychiatrist of the study to assess my progress, and if he approves, they will offer me 3 more weeks of treatment for my sake (no payment is involved wtih this study so I think of it as my payback).

You have no idea, I could never tell you how wonderful it is to feel myself so normal right now. Albeit very emotional, angry, crying at the littlest thing, but so awake and feel able to do things and want to do social things. :-)

3rd treatment of TMS

I was wary of the pain for the next treatment because the extensive muscular pain I experienced yesterday (my back, right shoulder, right arm) maintained all night but then I reassured myself that the pain was not really from the pulses, it is my FMS causing muscle spasms and cramps from laying in the same position for an hour or more. And oddly enough that pain perception brings the head TMS pain down to 3-5/10 so it isn't all bad!
So I brought an old cushy exercise mat and a huge soft bath sheet and created a comfy cushion to lay on on top of the exam table ...and it worked! I tolerated all 75 treatment pulses at a 3/10 today and I didn't get the arm and back spasms until right at the 74th pulse, seconds before the end of the session. We are hoping I can get a massage this weekend and make it through the whole treatment session without any spasms next week but that may be stretching it.

I feel very clear minded, chatty and mentally stimulated, though still physically tired after this session. Unlike yesterday, I am really looking forward to tomorrow's session and finishing out the first week on Friday.

2nd day of irTMS treatment

Well, I survived my 2nd day of TMS. The intensity of the pulses reduced consistently over the 75-100 over the course of 38 minutes. I don't know exactly how many episodes there were. That is challenging but what I find even more troublesome is the uncomfortableness of the table and having to keep the position for such a long time. I need a massage - I am still getting muscle knots and spasms in my neck, shoulders, arms, upper back.

I never did get any headache yesterday from the first treatment. But apparently it was not at full strength. I need to get more details - not sure if I got full treatment today, but I know it was higher than the first day. I did wake-up easier and more alert then usual this morning, but the doc says it could be a placebo effect.

more gardens

Today, Monday, June 1st, the flowers are glorious - the Texas Sage is blooming so much it is almost animated.

The tomato plant has 2 more flowers that will hopefully produce fruit.

I see a few more dots of green- could be more spinach seedlings or maybe some beets too!

1st day of TMS treatment

Today I went into the lab at UTHSCSA and had the first treatment of irTMS. I didn't expect to burst into tears; I didn't expect it to hurt alot.

I did get a little used to the violence of the magnetic bursts into my cranium- about 18 fast pulses, then 20 seconds of break, and pulses again and again with the 20 sec. breaks for about 37 minutes. The first full TMS brought me to tears and was a pain level of 8 out of 10. It is hard to explain- the electrical current pulls the left side of my face- down over my eyelid across and down my cheek and down my nose to my left nostril. Some bursts are more localized and my perception of them is about a 5 pain level, with very little facial involvement and just a knocking on the scalp but a light one is always followed by a very hard pulling one.

I feel very awake, no pain after the pulses ceased, no pain after the treatment. I am to expect a severe headache anytime now until the middle of the night. I have decided to wait for it and then take Ultram or Advil to ease the headache (so I know what I am dealing with). Then I can take a pain reliever before the treatment and head it off maybe.

Please God, let this treatment help me.

I have this inspiration to draw/paint and I am no artist. It is a fem figure light against a dark canvas with arms outstretched upward - there is a big copper coil in the top left corner and on the left side of her cranium is a glowing dot.

Titrating off all my medicines

It has only been one month but already I am so bored with the whole thing. But it has been like my full-time job trying to manage my increasingly debilitating fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, severe treatment-resitant depression, chronic pain conditions. Add to that hyperinsulinemia, obesity, PCOS, glaucoma, sleep apnea, granuloma annulare, monoclonal gammopathy- and there is more, i just am done listing for now.

Anyway, I applied for a depression study in April and started titrating off the meds I was taking in order to do the study.

My meds for 7-9 years have been:

Concerta (36 mg) - take to wake-up and stimulate me through hypersomnulence that comes with sleep apnea and depression
(Previously used Provigil)
Pritsiq (100 mg) - take for depression and energy and pain relief
I was only on this since April.
(Previously I was on Lexapro which quit working altogether. Celexa, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Cymbalta)
Lyrica (150-300 mg) - take for pain of fibromyalgia
Diovan (25 mg) - for blood pressure
Hydroclorothorizide (25 mg) - diuretic to reduce bloating to help with blood pressure

The treatment I start on June 1st is called rTMS or rapid transcranial magnetic stimulation. The method is specifically robot directed rapid RMS where a robotic arm directs MRI pulses at 30 per second at a prespecified part of my brain. This is done Monday - Friday for 3 weeks, treatment lasts about 20 minutes but the appointments are to be an hour at a time for set-up, etc.

I will post back comments on my detox/withdrawals but will start right now for today:

The biggest problem I recall the last 3 nights is temperature control. I am too hot, too cold, and have to pull on, kick off sheets, quilt 100 times over and over. I also have incredible pain - and 8 or 9 out of 10 mostly on the right side (is this because I sleep on the right side and my weight is hurting me?) from my head, neck, shoulder, arm, hand, breast, chest wall, ribs hips knee, foot - all the way up and down that side. Oh and my jaw which is made worse by my oral appliance for the sleep apnea. The jaw hurt so bad I had to take out the oral appliance every night the last 3 nights.

My wrist now hurts too much to type anymore.

Today I am sweating profusely, no matter what I do. How irritating. I also have absolutely no energy whatsoever.

Gardens and plants

What are you up to on this pretty day?

Being at home, not working for the first time in my life (since age 17) I am desparately needing to make a productive routine of sorts. Now that I seem to be over the worst of my medicine withdrawals (that is another entry) I am trying to wake up at some consistent time, dress in something quickly and head out to the backyard to inspect the veggie garden. Then I go out to the front yard and inspect the flower beds.

This morning my tomato plant has a flower, my spinach seeds are almost seedlings (I see something!) and the caladiums I planted last year in the front (white elephant ears) that everyone told me don't grow back - are growing back- 2 of them so far! I love all this growing around me...